Chapter 8: Fearless and Peerless

  A voice screams the chorus of Country Roads by John Denver into the air. The jeep rumbles under my feet as shrubs and bumps on the rough packed dirt ground rock the car as it trundles along. Naturally, the one belting out John Denver is me. I mean, it’s a road trip (albeit a short one), what else am I gonna do? By this point, I have disengaged my mana sight, pulling the bits of whatever that strange membrane is from my vision. I had originally intended to put them back around my mana pool, but it had regenerated already, so I instead just dissipated them into the air. As I sing, Pembleton speaks up, yelling to make his voice heard over the rumbling of the jeep.

  “YOU KNOW, A STEALTHY APPROACH MIGHT BE BEST!”

  I ignore him and keep singing.

  I see him take a deep annoyed breath, then he shrugs and mutters to himself, “Eh, what the hell.” He begins singing the rest of the song with me. As the last notes of our jubilant outcry fade into the hot air, I spot a cluster of trees up ahead, and surrounding it are more animals than I’ve ever seen in one place in my life. Buffalo, zebras, giraffes, lions, hyenas, elephants, and just about every safari animal you could think of lounge in clumps around the oasis. Surprisingly, there doesn’t seem to be any conflict, even between animals that are normally predator and prey. Slowly, Pembleton brings the jeep to a halt, about a quarter mile or so from the nearest animal.

  “Here’s where I let you out, pal. Maybe I’ll see you around in a system event one day. Good luck.”

  I smile at Pembleton and shake his hand before getting out.

  “Been an absolute pleasure Pembleton, and don’t you worry. Luck is something I got in spades. You should stick around and watch the fireworks. I promise I’ll make it flashy.”

  “Heh, sure kid, I’ll be watching from here. Don’t die, ya hear me? I meant what I said earlier, there is always a bigger fish.”

  “I’m sure there is Pembleton, but I tell you what, I’m pretty sure Gerald ain’t it!”

  I take to the skies and fly over to get a bird’s eye view of the oasis. A smattering of green leaves creates a warding circle around a brilliant blue pond. From this angle, the sun’s reflection is almost blinding, but the shimmering and shifting of the waves is no less beautiful. Ok, first order of business, let’s clear the innocent animals from the area. Luckily, I have a skill that is just perfect for this. I descend towards the water, and engage [Killing Intent], focusing on making the creatures affected be afraid and run away. Immediately, I feel that same invisible pressure fill the air around me, and with a series of yelps, and frantic movement, the creatures I fly over begin leaving the area with desperate efficiency. Smiling, I land at the edge of the pond.

  “Ok then, Gerald oh Gerald, wherefore art thou Gerald.”

  I reach down to touch the water, hoping to provoke a reaction, when a white and black blur shoots out from behind me and latches onto my hand. Furrowing my brow in confusion, I stand up. Hanging off of my hand, teeth latched determinedly to my wrist, is a honey badger. It wiggles its little paws in fury as it tries to scratch at me, and despite the undeniable fact that my killing intent is still activated, I see not a hint of fear in its rageful eyes.

  “Hisss! ROAR!” The angered cries of the badger, though muffled with its jaw latched to my arm, are high pitched and grating like zipping and unzipping a long coat with ferocity. Looking into its beady black eyes, a word pops into my head. There is clearly only one intention within the mind of this ferocious beast: genocide. This creature has nothing but violent intent and bloody feuding rage for all other living creatures. It’s… ADORABLE!

  “AWWWWWWWWWW! LOOK AT YOU, YOU RABID LITTLE SHIT! AREN’T YOU JUST THE CUTEST LITTLE THING!”

  I scoop the badger up with my free hand and hold it up to the sun like Simba. I then hug it close like a little baby, rocking it back and forth. Suddenly, I feel something warm and wet on my chest. Immediately, I drop the badger.

  “Did you fucking piss on me? YOU LITTLE SHIT!”

  I look reproachfully down at the thing, who is now gnawing on my leg, and it gazes back at me hatefully.

  “Doh, I can’t stay mad at that little face! You’re just an angry little fella, aren’t you?”

  I pick it up again, this time with telekinesis, and it starts flailing madly at the air like it’s trying to climb. I feel a strange disturbance in the mana I’m using to hold it up, as something is trying ineffectually to mess with it. Curious, I [Inspect] the badger.

  Fearless Mana Badger Lvl 3

  “Huh, so you’re a magical badger. Well, aren’t you cool? You’re definitely fearless!”

  I absentmindedly disengage [Killing Intent] and start using threads of mana to play with it, trying to experiment with what it can actually do, and it begins following the threads with its nose, like a cat following a laser pointer. Suddenly, it reaches out and grabs one of the threads with its mouth, and I watch as it swallows it. I activate mana sight, and see the beginnings of a small thread going between my mana pool and the badger’s. Out of curiosity, I feed a little more mana into that thread, thickening it. I also pull some of the same mana membrane from around my mana pool and reinforce the thread with it, solidifying it as a part of my mana pool. I feel something shake within me. I see the badger cock its head to the side, curiously. Then I feel the shaking stop all at once, and a system window pops up in front of me.

  Uhhhhhhh… what? I look at the badger. The badger looks back at me, now quietly and calmly sitting in the air, though its eyes are still full of vindictive rage. I mean… I’m obviously giving it the percentage. I see zero problems with this. To be cautious though, I fly into the air, bringing my new familiar with me. Once I get a couple miles up, I select the middle option. The window disappears, and I flinch in preparation… but nothing happens. I open my eyes to see the badger looking back at me, still calm.

  “Well aren’t you smart! You’re showing so much restraint! I’m so proud of you! C’mere and gimme a hug!”

  I pull the badger closer to my chest, arms outstretched to wrap it in a loving embrace. I close my eyes to properly savor the moment I make my newest BFF. With my eyes closed, I don’t notice the fierce glint that appears in the eyes of the badger as it gets within arms reach of my face. I don’t notice as it winds its head back with deliberately slow movements. When it launches its head towards mine in a ferocious headbut, powered by 14 million strength and agility, I notice. Unfortunately, I notice too late.

  The [Fearless Mana Badger]’s head moves through the air at approximately 4% the speed of light. In comparison, the world might as well be perfectly still. Even the vibration of air molecules is practically stationary. You see where this is going right? Whoosh. Boom. Calvin is naked again.

  Hurtling through the air, head pounding in pain, feral badger clinging to your chest as it desperately tries to keep itself from falling miles towards the ground, you get a chance to question some of your life choices. You also get a chance to realize you regret… NONE OF THEM! THAT WAS FUCKING AWESOME! I open my eyes and look at the badger, still clinging to my chest.

  “You are a devious little shit, you know that? In fact, I think that’s gonna be your name now: Little Shit. Little Shit the badger. You’d better get used to it, cause you’re stuck with me now. Don’t worry though. I’ll give you lots of love.”

  “Hisssssss. ROARRRRR”

  “And I love you too, Little Shit!”

  Eventually, we land, and before Little Shit (I’m just going to call them LS for short) can repeat their performance, I hold out a hand.

  “STOP!”

  LS complies, and I feel a pulse go along the mana thread connecting us. In my head I get the distinct impression of confusion. But, and this is the strangest feeling, it isn’t my confusion. It feels like a voice in my head asking, “what?” Immediately, I realize that LS is communicating with me.

  “Do you… understand me?”

  Understanding. Hunger. Bloodthirst.

  “Uhhh. What do you eat? Wait, no. First, we need to make sure you don’t do that shit again.”

  I send, as much as I can, the idea of slowing down, of holding back, maybe of hibernating. I get confusion back again, but this time it’s… slightly different? I think… I think LS is trying to say “why” instead of saying “what” like they were before. I visualize the huge explosion we just experienced, and send the image along the thread. I get a feeling of grudging acceptance, and I sigh with relief.

  “Ok, now, what do you eat?”

  In my head, I get an image of small animals and berry bushes.

  “Uhhh, alright, feel free to go foraging or hunting or whatever then. Just like… come find me when you’re done, yeah?”

  LS poops on the ground in front of me, sniffs, and dashes off. As they do I quickly check their belly and confirm that LS is in fact a girl. In my head, I get the distinct impression that LS thinks that I’m an idiot. She’s right, I absolutely am an idiot, but it still hurts to be called that by a feral badger. Anyway, with my balls once more drifting in the wind, I make my way back to Pembleton.

  “Ok man, listen. I know we did the whole tearful goodbye thing, but shit happened, and I need another pair of clothes if you got them.”

  Pembleton looks at me and snorts, and then full out laughs. I roll my eyes.

  “Yeah yeah, laugh it up chucklefuck. I’m only out here fighting monsters and creatures of myth and legend.”

  “Oh yeah? What monster of myth and legend took your clothes? I thought I saw you flying up from the oasis with, what was it, a badger? Little furry fella? Known for eating mice and shit? That ain’t the creature of myth you were referring to is it?”

  “...

  …

  …

  Fuck you.”

  Pembleton laughs uproariously and goes to get me another pair of clothes.

  “Now, this is my last pair, so don’t go aggravating a chinchilla. Annoying a guinea pig. Getting on the wrong side of a hamster. That sorta thing.”

  Snatching the clothes and giving Pembleton the finger, I get dressed (this time the underwear is hello kitty themed), and walk back towards the oasis. As I get there, a massive hippopotamus wearing a crown leaps from the water towards me. I stretch my arms out like I’m going to hug it, and catch it in the air with telekinesis.

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  “GERALD! MY MAN!”

  Gerald’s pudgy arms swing wildly in the air, and his massive mouth opens as wide as a hula hoop.

  “Sorry bud, but I wouldn’t get much exp if I killed you, so we are going to wait for a friend of mine.”

  Gerald lets out a massive and angry roar, which I ignore. I close my eyes and feel for the thread connecting myself and Little Shit. Following it in my mind, I can tell that little shit is about a mile away, and still hunting, so I settle down in the oasis and check the gains from the mosquito hunt.

  Congratulations! You Have Killed the Floor 3 Hidden Boss: [Mosquito Mana Matriarch Lvl. 16]

  You Gain 40,000 exp

  You have GOT to be fucking kidding me. I need 60,000 exp to get to lvl 23, and that puts me at 59,549. FUCK! That is some BULLSHIT! Ok. Fine. Whatever. At least I will get a shit ton of exp when Little Shit kills Gerald the hippo. After all, the level difference there will give a massive boost. It almost makes me want to keep LS underleveled, but I can’t be bothered to be honest. Also, she will still be getting half the exp I do, so it’s not like she would be staying at level 3 anyway. Just as I think this, a badger all but appears next to me, a huge WHOOSH of wind blowing past from the speed it was going. Her mouth is still stained red, from some mix of blood and berries. Her beady eyes take in the floating hippo and she looks at me hopefully. In my head, I get the feeling of excitement and the image of a badger rolling around in the exposed innards of a hippo.

  “Jesus LS, that’s kinda fucked up. Welp, I suppose I signed up for this when I made you my familiar, intentional or not. Just make sure he’s dead first, yeah?”

  LS bears her teeth, and launches into the hippo’s stomach, ripping through it and exiting the other side. The corpse drops to the ground and a badger that was once black and white but is now varying shades of blood happily jumps onto the head and pops one of the hippo’s eyes out with her tongue. She then rolls over like a dog, tossing the eye into the air and catching it in her mouth, crunching down. She looks at me, and in my head I get the distinct feeling of childlike satisfaction.

  “Y’know, if you ignore the blood, guts, and eyeball, you’re actually being really cute right now. Unfortunately, I can’t ignore all those things and I think I’m gonna throw up.”

  I pause as bile climbs my throat, make a big swallow, pause to see if the bile will return, and breathe out.

  “Ok. I’m good. Let’s see how much you leveled.”

  Congratulations! Your Familiar Has Killed the Floor 3 Boss: [Gerald the Hippo King Lvl. 15]

  You Gain 220,000 exp

  You Have Leveled Up!

  You Are Now Level 23

  You Have Leveled Up!

  You Are Now Level 24

  You Have Leveled Up!

  You Are Now Level 25

  …

  You Have Leveled Up! x4

  You Are Now Level 26

  “Holy shit and that’s HALF? What fucking level are you now?”

  Little Shit the Fearless Lvl 25

  “God damn LS! You’re only a level behind me now! That’s gotta be cheating! Though… I suppose I enabled it so I can’t complain, huh? Eh, whatever, leveling will slow down now I’m sure. Now then, I wonder if I can view your character sheet?”

  “Huh, guess I can. Heyyyyy, [Matriarch] huh? Guess you’re moving up in the world.” I reach down and scratch her chin, momentarily forgetting the fact that she is soaked in hippo blood. “You don’t seem to have a class or skills. I guess monsters have different rules. No free points either, unless you used them already I suppose. Actually that’s more likely, since if you didn’t have them at all, they wouldn’t be listed as zero now would they?”

  After looking at my now bloody hand, shrugging, and continuing to give chin scratches, I take a look at my own character sheet.

  Solid gains all around. Always nice to see some extra stats, especially agility. I definitely need to power level my skills at some point though, they are leveling depressingly slow. Anyway, on to the next floor. Actually, that reminds me. I tell LS to wash off in the oasis while I fly back over to Pembleton.

  “Hey, Pembleton, my man, you wouldn’t happen to know how many floors are in this damn thing do you?”

  “You don’t know? I guess you weren’t paying attention when you selected your tutorial difficulty,” he says reproachfully. “The very easy tutorial has 5 floors in all. Once you beat them, you return to earth.”

  “Uh, yeah, I wasn’t paying attention at all. That’s very good to know. Say, if I had spent like… a really long time… on floor one, would I return to earth and all that time would have passed?”

  “Got lazy did ya? Don’t worry, the tutorial has exponential time dilation, so even if you spent a century here, only two years would have passed in the real world, and the longer you stay, the more time dilates. ‘Course, if you were in the hell difficulty, that wouldn’t work, since you automatically get offed by the system if you don’t beat each floor in time.”

  “Thanks man, really appreciate it. Alright, goodbye for real now! See ya around, hopefully.”

  With a new spring in my step, the notion of soon getting home to see my loved ones just across the horizon, I make my way towards the portal, ready for whatever floor 4 has to throw at me.

  Ok so I’m locked in a dungeon.