I now find my true calling here in the confessional- Just a quiet place to find wholesome time to reflect and be of sound mind. Quite a difference from where I started. The atmosphere seamlessly tranquil and serine with the candles from the congregational hall flickering through the holes of the perfectly geometrical patterns on the door that hold centuries of history. The wooden bench worn by my prior brothers who I have diverted my practice in a drastic way. It is my usual evening hours routine to just sit here and collect myself.

  “Father forgive me for I have sinned again.”-Those are the words that send my head in a spiral- The never-ending failsafe every sinner uses to get their conscious clear. “Go ahead my child, confess your sins that you may be clean again.”-Seems like a joke, but it is the algorithm of faith. As I sit and listen to the confession of this lost one, I am already examining the trajectory of my next strategy to bring this little lamb into God’s graces. You see, I have been working on this individual for months. His confession is already known to me because I have taken it into my own good measures to set this soul free of anguish. So many before him have passed and failed my trials to guide them to their true spiritual potential.

  Let us come back to this moment later. As I said, I have been a man of the cloth for over four decades- a long, drawn-out path I began with the best intentions. I never thought I would lose my soul in the process, but with so many souls I have tried so hard to lead to the light, I lost my nerve.

  This is all just contexts; the driving factor and breaking point that had been what diverted my path from what I had originally started, which was to push for God’s work at my journeys beginning.

  The beauty of life has been bewildering to me for a while now. From the start of all societies, outside of the tale I had mentioned. People are just not conscious or present. The imbalances of all time have led me to decide humans are a pariah or to simplify it, a virus. We all live on the planet starting off with the same story. Yet most have abided by a system of hierarchies that keeps majority of people unconscious and complacent with their existences. Hanging on having someone take power and manipulate their experience and then complain about it. The sad truth is this is the case with every country around the world and has been going on since the first historical documents. More influence from ghosts only trying their best in their own timeline.

  It is a pattern that has gone on for way too long. There is always a high class of individuals that climb the ladder and then make sure no one else knows there is a ladder to climb. That is why I have chosen to find my final place of shepherding here in Connecticut. One of the starting places of this infant country of America. Classism to the highest degree. A heaven on earth and full of history and the birthplace of where the ghosts had influenced regulating the living of this day and age with a founding constitution for this continent. I figured it would be a fitting location for my life’s adventures to settle down.

  Now just to get back on track, I have been doing my best to try and get the people of my congregations to be of high spirits and develop them to be the best they could be in all the seasons life threw at them. The fight is real.

  People are not meant to be of sound minds it seems. They must fight for their humanity to remain at times to get by in a world that has been diligently hindering any kind of peace they could have in their lifetimes. The perseverance one needs to keep a good moral standing in an experience that is full of temptations and character challenging dilemmas is an ongoing battle.

  So, on that note let us bring it back to what my works of God have come to. Remember I had said my true calling is in the confession? Imagine a safe space where individuals can unburden their conscience at pivotal moments in their lives. This is where I have had to guide, listen and keep the most disturbing stories of sick people to myself. At first it was overwhelming, the acts these people committed and thought just saying a couple of hail Mary and then go about their day as if it wiped their sinful actions away put me at a loss for words.

  From the beginning of my service under the cloth I have had so many different developments to my perspective. I am not implying the obvious by saying that because as one gets older things of course change. But my bright-eyed youthful self was never in his wildest dreams planning to take the actions I have pursued. As I have mentioned, my shepherding of the flock is a bit unorthodox. I do not know when I started these tests to be-exact, the mission just came to me and I ran with it. Through my due diligence I have tried my best to keep that I am prevalent to never go overboard. Yet as I have said it has been detrimental to my soul. Confessions to me are more than just an individual telling me of a single sin but a pattern of behavior holding on a path to continue in their wicked ways. This is where I decided to take into my own hands guidance to deliver outside development opportunities.

  This is of course not a tactic I use frugally; the specific contingency is on an individual case by case base. Occasionally, I will have a special little lamb with sincerity to do better but have just the worst plan to action that I will guide to fulfill their success to be on a path of enlightenment. The role I play is just to influence scenarios to set controlled situations that each of these unique individuals have problems with. Of course they are unaware of my hand at play. The advice I give them in the solitude of the confession is all I contribute to them knowingly. From there on out it is just behind the scenes and very calculated environmental control that I have decided to be the best plan to action in their path of recovering from their sinful ways.

  This again is my confession of what has been the disconnection from my soul. The world, as I have shed light on my perspective, is a very cold and calculated place. Through the ages the development of societies and humans’ ability to have spiritual connection to their souls has been less prominent. The distractions of the hungry for power and manipulations-not new to any time period--have just become more concise on their hold on people and control of information has taken away people’s real connection with being alive. I have not had this awakening my whole life it was a harsh reality when the veil dropped, and it smacked me in the face with my own ignorance and the sense of purpose I drowned myself in getting by in my youth.

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  As we go forward you can see I was just doing my part to get this grasp off the lives of my congregations. With nothing but the best intentions, though with my tactics discussed earlier, I can say I have gone overboard more than one in my position meant to do. The course to get these chosen individuals lives on track is not exactly my proudest moments. As we humans are extremely complicated and stubborn creatures. Going behind the scenes to enact spiritual development is in no way a calculated science. I am dealing with the deepest and most sensitive situations of people’s lives in my confessional. You can never be prepared for the breakdown an individual is feeling when they share an experience that is abolishing their whole perspective of being. There is more angst in the world than meets the eye.

  This has all been a big part of my disgruntlement with God. If by just being a bored entity and staying in the dark these fallacies would never have been. I digress of course. “How does a measly creation like me even have the right to judge the Almighty Creator?” is what I started off asking myself when I came to these fervent conclusions at the start. Still trying to wear my struggles through humbleness and under self-duress. I in no way meant to add to the cruelty that the world has forged into. It just so happened you somehow always turn into what you focus on trying to avoid being. I have gone to dark places with my conflicts. My code of ethics is questionable these days.

  So let us go back to the confessional. The one who I have decided to work with in my way of guidance is going through it hard. As he goes through the routine confession process, I have mentioned I know why he is here in the moment. He has anger issues stimming from his father leaving at an early age which I could relate to in my own way. His mother had not been so kind, and he held such a resemblance to his father it hurt her, and she lashed out at him growing up causing him to leave home early and let us just say it led him to get into a bit of trouble trying to survive. Cruel world as I have said for sure. So, in my technique to guide him I have tried to defuse his anger that becomes triggered by different circumstances. His emotional regulations have eminently been his downfall. I have just tinkered slightly behind the scenes until this last time. He has been working hard and yo-yoing between comfortable and rock bottom. That is of course the consensus for everyone these days and throughout the passage of time, such is the way of life.

  How I have chosen to guide this young man is a little bit different than the rest. I have learned over the years that people must develop in their own path naturally. My past roles in the lives of the chosen individuals have been quite a catastrophe to say the least. With such unexpected outcomes that have been my soul’s demise. My influential path is now subtle and more structured. Over the months I have been playing more of the role I had missed growing up without my father and giving him the guidance I had wished for in my own upbringing. He has more of a resemblance to my younger brother who I had to be there for growing up but did not do my best. uncountable regrets, undoubtedly my biggest ones were to come. I had subconsciously believed him being born was the reason for our father leaving us. I tried my best to grow up and be useful for sure not feeling like a person myself falling into the caregiver role I had been. So, to say the least the anger I feel from this individual resonates with me and is very easily relatable.

  This specific confession is my due diligence to cultivate him, while it has a selfish intent. I know what he is coming to confess because I caused the specific grievance. It was too much on my part. I had investigated the location of his father and set up a scenario for them to come into contact. It was a very conflicting decision because I know the inner rage I would have if I had been reconnected with my own father over all these years who has been dead for a while now. So, as he goes through his “forgive me father for I have sinned again” spill; I know exactly what is about to come up. At this point I relate to what he is going through more than he knows, having our common backstory and developments growing up. I can say my shutting down and taking care of my siblings is what caused our paths to take a different trajectory. This specific time I was trying to resolve my own inner conflicts in a way as well.

  Now, how the set up worked out is of course I was aware the kid knew what his father looked like and I was able to track down the father through inquiry in my congregation. People really are comfortable giving information to us men of the cloth. As I had been setting up the scenario and couching this young man through our sessions, I just had to conveniently get them in the same environment to get the interaction to take place. Easier said than done as the father was no longer in Connecticut. But through various connections I was able to track and get the plan into action. The father had been struggling when he left and fled to start a new life. It made me wonder if it was the same reason my father had left. Getting him back in Connecticut was a real head scrapper. I had discovered he had gotten his own construction business started and that it was a very up and down experience for him. Now in Connecticut the homes and buildings are incredibly old and have left to the ascetic they were back in the 17th century. Just an immaculate testament to ancestral architecture. I had a feeling that a struggling business owner would jump on a remolding opportunity of that size. So that is the start I had to get the arrangement in place.

  Tinkering with people’s lives is not something I would have thought I would have reveled in. The adrenaline rush of shaping entire scenarios behind the scenes and getting so many parts working coordinated is just intense. It is always a contingency as well. The outcome is not a domino effect of physics with an exact science in process placement. Human interference could never have a high accuracy rate to predict an exact planned trajectory.

  But with patience and just a little bit of controlled coordination you can set into motion some incredibly unique situations that can play pivotal moments in people’s lives. Just the tiniest manipulation and it can be the difference in anyone’s life. The problem is there is not a promised positive or negative effect.

  Now to visit the moment of this encounter and the effect I had anticipated. Well, let us hear out the young man. “Father, I have done it bad this time.” Yes, I really was not expecting this to be what I had originally planned. “Father, I was at work at the hotel and just having a usual day doing my routines and getting guest set up with their rooms.” Now, this was all part of the plan of course. The plan was for the interaction to proceed in this manner. “Just doing routine guest check ins when out of no where this familiar man and energy came in.” Come on with it- is my mentality with the investment I had put into it all. “I immediately had my heart drop and just felt this brief since of grievance and insecurity when he came to the counter.”

  I could tell this feeling would be a powerful motivation for the young man. We had gone over scenarios based on previous confessional sessions. He was such a fragile person. So many things life had thrown at him that drew me to want to get involved. What he had further gone into was that he was conflicted with the man and did not know why. I of course knew exactly what it was that tore him up. As is the case with all the other individuals I did my part in helping them.