Rebecca Pov

  We thought that I was bad with Jordan's first Christmas, I was feeling far worse about his first Birthday, it wasn't even like I was feeling old, as I wasn't feeling old, just felt really fucking emotional and Rita was only partially to blame.

  Is it rational?, of course not!, and I knew that it wasn't fair on Levi either, (not that he'd say anything bad about it to me), but me knowing that and me being able to change it are two completely different things here, (also I really needed fucking therapy).

  Was I kind of moping about in bed at a stupid hour of the morning, yes, which was kind of weird to me as I wasn't normally a 'moper' when it came to my feelings and shit, (being awake at a stupid hour of the morning wasn't all that weird to me).

  Levi was coming in from a shift, (he worked some weird hours), and it was like he knew why I was moping, (it was like he was a fucking fortune teller, he's not but it was like he was), he got in bed, (obviously getting out of his work clothes beforehand).

  "You feeling ok babe?"

  "No, is it that obvious?"

  "It's not obvious, I just so happen to know your quirks and what ticks you off, so spill"

  "It's similar to what I was feeling at Christmas but there's also an extra feeling of like, I dunno, anxiety, which is weird because Christmas happened without a hitch"

  It did feel really weird to admit out loud, but I also knew that long term, communicating my feelings was better for me and my health, (because bottling feelings inside you does actually kill you off earlier), if 11 year old me was told that we would be sharing our feelings with the boy that we literally bumped into, she'd think that we were lying to her.

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  "It's not as weird as you think it is Babe"

  "What do you mean?"

  "You freaked out because you didn't know you were carrying him, and even though you got used to Jordan being around, your body and brain subconsciously remember that you freaked out on this date"

  "Fucking hell, that sounds really fucking deep"

  "Life is deep sometimes"

  While the whole brain remembering thing made sense to me, it didn't make me feel any better that I was feeling this way, even though there was like an actual reason, (having Rita as a mother didn't exactly help me with knowing how to deal with my own feelings here), and I know it's a bit weird but feelings and all the shit surrounding feeling are fucking weird.

  "Is there anything else that needs to be done for his birthday?"

  "No, I sorted that all out when you were at work"

  "Babe did you even get any sleep?"

  "No, but I don't ever sleep when you're at work, not that I sleep much when you're home, but I sleep better when you're home"

  "I actually didn't know that"

  "I don't exactly advise that out loud, plus the reason why is a lot to put on someone"

  I could see Levi milling over what I had just said, and it was a couple of minutes before he even said anything, (fair though, I apparently love dropping truths like they're going out of fashion), it wasn't necessary an uncomfortable silence, but it was a silence.

  "Ok, is there anything that I can do that might help with that?"

  "No, it's not a logical thing, plus you already do so much for me"

  "I'll just keep coming up with things until you tell me"

  "(Giggles), Fuck you that's mean"

  "I wouldn't say it's mean"

  "It's slightly mean, but I know that you're coming from a place of concern I suppose, erm, I feel safer when you're home"

  "But I can't punch for shit"

  "I know"

  Levi looked kind of confused, though I suppose some people would be confused when they make someone feel safe even with their lack of punching skills, but nobody was going to attempt to start a fight with my husband as he's 6ft 5 and built like a burly rugby player, (plus he's a calming presence).

  "You know I'm shit at punching, and I still make you feel safe?"

  "Yes, you don't have to be a good puncher to make people feel safe, there's something really calming about your presence"

  "I suppose that makes me feel a bit better but I still think that you should see someone about your insomnia"

  "I don't wanna be drugged up for something that doesn't work, plus me being a dry alcoholic could make it more likely that I'd need a higher dosage but they wouldn't want to give me the higher dosage because I'm a dry alcoholic"

  "That's so weird"

  "Nah I get it, I'm more likely to break sobriety"