“I got it!, I fucking got it!” I shouted towards the sky despite being indoors, these past few years had been tough but I actually got my degree in photography, I can finally get a decent job and stop disappointing mom and dad I thought to no small relief, they were always too good for me, supporting me when even I knew what I was doing was bullshit.

  Guess I won’t ruin the celebratory lunch with bad news and Jeremy won’t have any of his snarky bullshit to spout this time.

  “Phew” I sighed out loud, might as well head out early I suppose, I slid on my nice dress shoes and slipped out the door, locking it securely behind me.

  My apartment isn’t exactly in the nicest part of town but not the worst either, a perfect fit for an average guy like me.

  My brown middle length hair swayed as I trotted my way downstairs with a pep in my step, “whooah!” I leaned back and just barely caught my left hand on the railing beside me, very nearly stumbling down a full flight of stairs, “phew, that was a close one” I whispered out loud.

  Not the first time I’d nearly tumbled to my doom and probably not the last, I quickly made my way down the remaining two flights, opened the door and stepped out.

  Just to be met with a motorcycle speeding past just inches from my outstretched leg “Watch out you dim-witted fuck!” I shouted after him, and the guy had the gall to give me the finger, some people, I thought as I shook my head like a disappointed school teacher.

  After my second near death experience of the day I went to the bus stop across the street, just as I was about to cross the road, a truck smashed into the dude walking in front of me with a gnarly crunch and he shot down the road like a stone skipping on water.

  The truck screeched to a stop and the driver whipped out his phone, calling for an ambulance I’m sure, the guy in the road was bleeding from quite a few places but he’d landed as nice as you could after getting hit by a truck and he seemed to be breathing.

  As the other bystanders rushed over to do whatever a random group of people could do for a guy who just got impacted by a 10 ton truck, I turned back to the bus stop and walked.

  I waited a couple of minutes for the bus and when it arrived i payed and hopped on, as I noticed the ambulance also arrive and the guy getting wheeled into it, I thought about my third near death experience today, must be bad luck, karma balances and all that, damn I must’ve been lucky to get my degree for whatever reason.

  As I mulled that over I saw some stormclouds wafting over slowly, just my luck, as it started to rain, thunder sounded as lightning struck the street corner the bus had just passed, funnily enough, i’m sitting in the back corner of the bus and would’ve certainly been fried like a chicken wing had it hit.

  Shit, did I insult any deities recently? Not that I can remember, all I did last night was play some video games to take my mind off of my incoming results, I did finish that legends arceus playthrough though, fuck that guy, Volo was his name wasn’t it, 8 pokemon?! Fuck that guy, definitely didn’t take me 4 attempts or anything like that.

  Come to think of it I may have insulted a pokemon god or two, “Heheheh” I chuckled a little, funny fellas they are, sent some random kid back in time to stop themselves, stupid, might as well send me, I’d do better than some snot-nosed mute kid any day of the week.

  Clenching my teeth and closing my eyes, I expected to be smited at just that moment but as the seconds ticked by, I seemed fine by all metrics, well apart from the fact that I just insulted a fictional god to see if I’d get smited, I might be going a bit mad.

  Maybe all of those late nights are getting to me, as I’m thinking what I’d like for dinner, I find that the bus has reached the stop, standing up, walking out and giving a little cheers to the bus driver i made my way to the restaurant the lunch is being held at, I felt my phone in my left pocket buzz, stopping on the pavement I took it out and then a huge fuck off air conditioner landed right in front of me!

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  “OI WHAT THE FUCK DUDE, COULD’VE KILLED ME THERE!!” I shouted at the window where it’d fallen from and I could’ve sworn I saw some humanoid figure bathed in golden light with a pissed expression on its face looking straight at me, but I blinked and they were gone...odd.

  Anyway, I continued on and made my way to the restaurant after the fifth time of nearly meeting the big man upstairs, got led inside by the waiter and to the table. Everyone was here already it seemed, even though I was 30 minutes early, I think…I hope.

  My shitty little brother Jeremy still had his perpetual smirk on his face, honestly the longer he kept it the less annoying and more impressive it was getting.

  I'd seen him accept heartfelt appreciated gifts that he actually liked with a sneer on his face like he’d just eaten his own shit, but anyway.

  Other than Jeremy there was my mom and dad, pleasant smiles on their faces, hoping for good news I'm sure, my aunt and uncle as well as their three little ones, I know older cousins aren’t supposed to have favourites but mine was Derek, 6 years old but already a proper prankster, I pick him up after school sometimes and he’s not even embarrassed about it, shows how cool I am, I think.

  Besides them there was the humungous chocolate cake on the table that I definitely didn’t barely stop myself from drooling over when I caught sight of that delicious, fluffy, gigantic chocolate goodness.

  After I greeted everyone and gave a little fistbump to Derek, we got to cutting the cake, I cut it first because I’m the best, just kidding, and everyone else got to cut their slice, second to last was Jeremy and he picked up the knife with the grace of someone who doesn't have any grace and went to cut, but he jerkily leaned back “a–a–aAAACHUU!” he sneezed louder than I’d ever heard in my whole life, I was stock still, stunned like some video game character after you whittle down their armor bar.

  Then I heard a little *thunk* next to me and turned my head, to see a knife barely two inches away from my head jutting out of the chair where i was sitting, but tough luck Jeremy, I was on a good luck streak today, kinda, I could go into the whole spiel about if it’s unlucky to get in the accident or lucky to come out unscathed but I was feeling pretty damn lucky so I’m going to go with that one.

  Everyone just kind of stared in shock at the knife beside my head and to my shock and nearly horror I saw Jeremy’s face change to one of…no way! Slight remorse! That’s the most I’ve seen from him in years, a win in my book, but as I was about to make fun of him for his remarkable forehead wrinkles there was a cataclysmic *BOOM* from the kitchen and a bunch of dust caked my face and new shirt.

  I wiped my face on my sleeve and cleared my vision to see the section of roof my family was sitting under now gone and somehow it had missed all of us, hanging by a thread a few feet in front of me from another section of roof, that could’ve been bad. “FUUUUUUCK” I heard somehow in the back of my mind, I cradled my head in my hands as I heard the booming shout with somehow more rage than when I dropped my brownies and ice cream last week.

  As I was blinking away the shock and yet more dust I saw a towering figure, at least ten feet tall of solid gold radiance step out from across the street. I looked around and saw every car, person and even the birds in the air frozen, like some sort of magic goddamn spell.

  I looked in utter bafflement at this huge figure as it stepped towards me, even without most of a face I could still make out brows creasing in utter disdain in my direction “u-uh i didn’t mean to survive all that stuff big G, hope I didn’t interrupt any godly plans or anything…”

  “SHUT THE FUCK UP, I’VE HAD IT WITH YOU, JUST DIE ALREADY!”.

  As I was about to retort with some kind of love thy neighbor bullshit I saw the big fella smash his hands together like some kinda buddha statue and even though I’m certain he said nothing, i heard in the back of my mind ‘fissure’ as the ground rumbled and I nearly fell onto my ass, well i say nearly because the FUCKING GROUND OPENED UP UNDERNEATH ME and as I saw the world slip further and further away as i fell down the chasm, I felt somehow at peace, like it would all be okay… I’m kidding, I may have pissed myself and screamed like a little girl the whole way down, but as my vision truly went black, I felt somehow confined, like I was in a goopy prison, and I felt the walls closing in on me and opening again and again and again.

  I thought shit, I know where this goes, I've read reincarnation novels before. I remember hearing some fuckheads on reddit saying it was impossible to remember being born, but I guess they would also say it’s impossible to piss off some sort of divine messenger by just being alive.

  Just as I had that thought though, I felt like I was being pushed through a tube, like I was being made into a very fleshy slushie, but then there was a sudden release in the pressure on me and I felt myself enter the world for the second time. After taking a few shuddering but tiny breaths I opened my eyes and nearly shat myself, if I could’ve straight after coming out of the womb I bet I would’ve.

  But the reason why was the chubby fuck off blissey holding onto me, like come on! A pokemon! Fuck yes! Anyway, it coos to me for a bit and then hands me to who i assume is my mother, I look up at her and see a pretty normal looking brown haired woman, but man do i feel sleepy now, because i clearly did all of the work during that whole birthing thing so i close my eyes and take a well deserved snooze.