Alexios

  My mind is reeling harshly into a dream-like state and it’s like my body knows it before the rest of me does…

  She’s here.

  The shadows bend and the queen steps through, gown rippling with every move as her eyes burn golden.

  “I watched you tonight,” she hums. “Your little dinner party was so proper… until you could not help yourself.”

  “Stop it.”

  “Your sweet tiefling struggling to keep a straight face while your hand was under the table. It seems like you enjoy putting him on display, Alexios.”

  My hands curl into fists.

  “I said stop it!”

  She steps closer, moving around me like a cat hoping to claim a mouse.

  “Every breath he took for you tonight… simply delicious. Did you see him glancing around to make sure no one watched? I noticed. I notice everything, especially the gold ring kept tucked into the inner lining of your clothing.”

  I look anywhere but at her, knowing she just wants to get a rise out of me. Truthfully, I was going to do it. Propose to Arun, I mean… but I panicked.

  “You will murder a man in cold blood,” she continues. “Yet you are suddenly too cowardly to propose to the poor tiefling? How sad, Alexios. Truly.”

  What can I even say to that when I know her words to be true?

  The queen tilts her head to the side as she smiles. If I didn’t know, I’d think her smile looked sweet if not for the cruelty in her eyes. My chest swims with guilt and rage.

  “Are you utterly that jealous of him?” I ask, keeping my voice low and sharp. “Is that why you pick at me like this?”

  For a moment, the smile drops and her sharp eyes harden into something cold. Then she laughs, a cruel sound coming out of her lacquered lips.

  “Jealousy is for mortals, Alexios. Besides, you are just putting a noose around your own neck and when it tightens, he will be right there beside you.”

  Her form unravels back into the shadowy smoke, but her cruel laughter echoes around me.

  I’m pulled immediately from my trancing, heart hammering like I’ve just been rescued from drowning. Arun’s still next to me, breathing slowly as he sleeps soundly. I should lie back down and stay next to him.

  But I can’t.

  I pull on loose clothes and slip out onto the balcony, eyes roaming over the plantation that stretches out before me, but this is just not enough. Sneaking out of the bedroom as quietly as possible, I take the servant stairs down and walk out through the gardens as my boots crunch over the gravel.

  The fields are damp and I breathe in the earthy smell like it can cleanse me of the queen’s cruelty. It almost works until I hear a man’s voice coming from the direction of the storage shed. I can’t fully make out the words, but I do hear muttering curses under his breath.

  There, darling. Do you hear him? No one will know if he does not walk out of that shed.

  I grit my teeth.

  “Not now. Please.”

  Now, Alexios. You are already awake and restless. Make yourself useful to me, hmm?

  I freeze outside of the shed door, watching as a fraction of light slips through the cracks in its boards. The man speaks again, clearly irritated and talking to himself.

  Do it.

  I shake my head, keeping my jaw tight.

  “No.”

  You have grown careless and far too sentimental.

  “I don’t want…”

  If you do not open that door and spill his pathetic life out onto the floor, I will make something happen and you will not be able to undo it.

  My stomach twists into a knot.

  “You’re bluffing.”

  Am I?

  I know exactly where your pretty devil is. One thought from me and he would be on his knees, screaming for you to come rescue him.

  My hands clench into fists so tight that my nails dig into my palms.

  “Don’t you dare fucking touch him,” I whisper angrily. “You vile…”

  Then prove to me you are still worth keeping. Go in there… right now.

  She must be lying. She’s just feeding on my fear…

  But the image she’s poisoned my mind with is enough to push me forward, wood creaking under my hand as I push the shed door open. My eyes are instantly pulled to a young servant, sleeves rolled up to his elbows while he sorts tools on a workbench. He turns at the sound of the door.

  “Oh! Sorry, sir. I didn’t hear you come in…”

  My hands close around his throat, cutting his words off. The sudden movement sends tools scattering down to the ground. His eyes go wide as his mouth opens to turn into a strangled cough.

  “Sir…”

  I slam him back against the bench and move a hand to reach for my dagger. The blade is slammed into his side, buried deep. He claws at my wrist, breathing coming out in ragged and wet bursts.

  More.

  My hand slams the blade back into him again and again. I can feel warm blood running over my hands and onto the ground. The servant’s legs give out so I follow him down to drive the blade in one last time.

  I’m crouched above him, breathing hard and unable to see or feel anything but the wicked satisfaction radiating from her.

  This is the Alexios I remember. Not that domesticated husband you are so desperate to pretend to be.

  But reality catches up far before I’d like it to and my stomach turns as bile rises in my throat. He was just a servant… and now he isn’t moving. He will never move again. I stumble back.

  “What the fuck have I done?”

  You did what you were made to do.

  My ears are ringing now. My heartbeat won’t slow down and my hands won’t stop shaking.

  But I move. I don’t have a choice anymore.

  My hands reach for an old tarp in the corner. It’s yanked off a stack of crates and draped across the ground. One of my boots nudges the dead servant’s arm. It flops uselessly. I force myself to look away.

  My hands slide under his shoulders so I can lift him without staring at his face. Blood is still pouring out of him, but I grit my teeth and drag him onto the tarp. He’s wrapped up tightly with whatever scraps of rope I can find. I assumed the tarp would be enough, but the dark stains are spreading almost instantly.

  The bench and the ground underneath are streaked with red so I get to work wiping them down with a beat-up rag, scrubbing until my fingers ache. Each swipe seems to smear the color deeper into the wood.

  Faster, Alexios. It would be a shame if someone were to catch you.

  I force myself to focus on the work, biting the inside of my cheek until I taste blood. The tools are cleaned and stacked. The shavings are swept off the floor. The tarp bundle waits near me and I pause, staring at it.

  I didn’t even know this servant’s name, but someone does and they’ll wonder where he went.

  The thought is pushed away as I hook my arms under the bundle to haul out of the shed. My mind is already on where to take him and how fast I can make it all disappear.

  The humidity clings to my skin again as I step out of the shed. Each step feels heavier as my boots sink into the wet ground. The surface of the bog glistens under the moonlight and I can hear a soft sound moving beneath the water.

  I kneel and loosen the rope from around the tarp so I can get a better grip. My arms are practically straining as I move it towards the edge of the water. When I drop it with a thud, I just… stand here, chest heaving as I stare at the tarp.

  Nature can be such an efficient accomplice, would you say?

  A ripple slides across the water’s surface, then another as yellow eyes break through. I push the bundle forward until it slips from the mud into the water. There’s a deep splash followed by the sickening sound of tearing fabric and chomping.

  Then… silence.

  I turn back towards the manor, but the path there feels much longer than I remember now. Even as I put distance between myself and the water, my stomach still feels knotted up. By the time I’m clear of the tree line, I can still hear the queen’s voice taunting and warning me.

  My pace picks up as the thought of her touching Arun or even speaking to him makes my vision blur with rage. I cut through the garden, ignoring the painful scrape of a few low branches against my shoulder. I push through the side door and my eyes go straight to the stairs.

  I take them two at a time. The bile in my stomach threatens to burst out of me as I push the bedroom door open.

  He’s there.

  Thank the gods, he’s there.

  Relief hits me so hard that my knees almost give out. I step forward and kneel near the edge of the bed, desperate to keep the traces of blood off the sheets. A clean thumb brushes softly over his cheek just to make sure he’s real. I leave the bedroom for a quick bath, scrubbing until my skin aches.

  My ruined clothes are tucked away in a bin, one that I’m hoping will never be touched by him. I can still feel small bits of caked blood beneath my fingernails, but it seems to be hidden well enough to hide for now. My hands move quickly when I return to the bedroom, pulling back the blanket to rest next to Arun.

  He moves unconsciously into me, fitting perfectly against my chest like he was made to be there. My arms wrap tightly around him, holding on tightly. My eyes stay closed as I focus on his gentle breathing and the scent of his hair.

  She is not touching him.

  She is not speaking to him.

  He is here. With me.

  Those words repeat in my head like a mantra and I keep holding him along after my arms have gone numb.

  --

  One moment, I’m trancing. The next… there’s nothing but warmth, illuminated by the crackle and pop of the logs in the hearth and the smell of cinnamon.

  I open my eyes and find myself sitting on a couch in a small room. A small table sits off to the right and there’s a half full cup of tea resting on it. When I turn to the left, I burst into tears and suddenly I can’t seem to catch my breath.

  With his wavy, brown hair shining in the glow of the fire and eyes as green as leaves in spring, Nykky turns to me.

  He smiles as if nothing has even happened to him.

  “My… my sweet Nykolai,” I gasp, voice cracking. “You’re… you’re really here?”

  My knees hit the floor in front of him, grasping desperately at his arms.

  “In a matter of speaking,” he says softly.

  The tale has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the violation.

  The sound that leaves me is more of a pitiful sob than a laugh.

  “I don’t even know what to say to you,” I say, shaking my head.

  “You don’t have to say anything. Just sit with me for a while, Alexios.”

  Almost instantly, I’m moving to sit beside him, so closely that our shoulders press against one another. Neither of us speak for a while, but I can’t stop looking at him. I need to commit every feature of his to memory.

  As if I don’t already have every detail of him burned into my heart and mind.

  “You are just as beautiful as I remember.”

  He smiles and it almost feels like I’m melting.

  “I like him. A lot.”

  Embarrassingly, it takes me a moment to realize he means Arun.

  “You do?” I ask.

  “Mh-hmm. He’s good for you. It’s made you tender again.”

  My hands fly up to my face, wiping away my tears.

  “I didn’t... think I could ever… after you…”

  “Love again?” he asks, voice gentle as ever.

  I nod, unable to find my words again.

  He shakes his head, gently smiling.

  “Well… you did have a thing with Marquis, remember?”

  I scoff and cover my face.

  “That wasn’t anything close to love,” I say, ashamed. “Wait, you know about that…?”

  “Of course I do,” he answers back, laughing softly as he moves a strand of my hair behind an ear. “You needed comfort… pleasure with someone close to you, even though it curdled like milk, I suppose.”

  “I’m sorry…”

  “Don’t be. Besides, you carry me with you. This thing you have with Arun though. It’s different. It’s far greater than you and I combined. You know that, don’t you?”

  My head tilts to the side, unsure what he means.

  “I think you were made for one another and I do mean that, Alexios. When you’re together, the world is quiet for a moment.”

  I can’t look at him for a moment, especially when my hands are trembling this much.

  “I miss you,” I confess quietly. “It tears me in two, Nykky.”

  “I know.”

  He rests his hand on my knee and just the act alone causes me to start crying again.

  “That’s why I need to tell you this,” he continues. “You have to hold onto Arun because you’re going to need him and he’s going to need you… far more than you realize.”

  I’m pulled back to Nykky and the warmth in his eyes has turned into something else.

  He’s utterly terrified.

  “Nykky, what’s wrong?”

  “She doesn’t just want your obedience,” he says, much quieter. “She wants to own all of you and if she can’t have it, she’ll destroy you.”

  My eyes widen.

  “What are you…”

  “Horrendous things are coming, Alexios. Just… be careful. Do not let her use your love for him against you.”

  Before I can reach for him, the light from the hearth rises, fully blinding me with white light. I wake from my trance and even though I’m tucked under the blankets, the air of the bedroom feels cold against my skin. For a moment, I’m certain I can hear music coming from outside.

  It’s a violin.

  I just know it. It’s soft, but the notes are clear as day through the unbearable ache of recognition. Sitting up slowly to not disturb Arun in his deep sleep, I glance down at him and for a moment, my body almost falls back down into the sheets with him.

  But I can’t do it right now.

  The boards creak softly under my feet as I slip out of the bed and walk to the balcony doors. The violin plays for a moment longer before fading out and leaving me in absolute silence. Behind me, I hear the rustle of sheets as Arun sits up, half-asleep and calling out my name.

  I turn back towards the room and let the echo of the violin lead me back into a trance.

  --

  My trance ends just before the sun rises, but I just lie there, keeping a hand on the slope of Arun’s waist where the blankets have slipped. He doesn’t wake when I brush the few strands of hair caught in his closed lashes. A part of me wants to wake him just to see his eyes and hear his voice, desperate to lose myself in him. I could bury myself so deeply inside him that his gasps are heard from outside, but I force myself to stay still.

  When he finally does wake up in the late morning, I’m already leaning over him with a tray of tea, fresh bread and fruit while he stretches like a pampered house cat under the sheets.

  His eyebrows raise in surprise.

  “You were sleeping so peacefully,” I say lightly before placing the tray down on his lap.

  My eyes keep scanning him, checking in color of his cheeks and the brightness in his amber eyes.

  He smiles and takes a piece of bread, but I know he’s curious. I stay beside him while he eats, kissing his neck softly whenever he places his teacup back on the tray. When he finishes, I take the empty plates and cup away, returning with a warm cloth so he can clean his hands.

  “You’re very attentive this morning,” he says, eyes narrowing in my direction.

  For a moment, I almost admit everything. The dream, the music, the warning. Hells, even her. I settle for kissing the tip of his nose instead.

  “Just making sure I’m taking care of you properly.”

  For the rest of the day, I don’t let him out of my sight for even a second.

  --

  A handful of local guild members arrive at Blackwood Plantation promptly for one of our more casual meetings.

  We move towards the dining hall for the meeting. The guild members take their seats around the long-polished table and open their ledgers. Arun sits quietly to the right of me, keeping his posture straight as his eyes move along his own ledger. Satisfied, I watch him… until the edge of my vision sways.

  There’s a subtle throb behind my eyes, but I push past it as I continue reviewing the projected numbers for next quarter. Before I know it, it deepens and spreads like heat down my neck.

  One of the members leans over to ask a question about shipping routes to Komori. I try to answer, but halfway through the sentence, I lose my train of thought. Arun’s hand comes to rest on my thigh underneath the table. He’s noticed, but I try to keep talking.

  The paper in front of me becomes hazy as my fingers tighten around the quill. I can feel a sharp sickness in my gut now.

  “Would you like me to…” Arun begins softly.

  “I’m fine,” I cut in to force the conversation back to the member’s question, but I can tell Arun is still watching and listening to more than just my words now.

  “We can pause if you need,” another member starts.

  “No,” I say, forcing myself to calm down. “Let’s continue.”

  I know as soon as these men leave, there’s no change of simply brushing this off.

  Thankfully, no one else comments on it for the rest of the meeting. When the last council member politely bows before stepping into the carriage, I close the door and exhale slowly.

  When I walk back into the dining hall, Arun is still seated. His hands are folded politely in his lap, but the rest of him is coiled up tightly, just like he does when he gets worried and is trying not to show it.

  “Are you okay?” he asks. “You don’t look well.”

  “I’m fine,” I lie as I walk over to pour a cup of water.

  “Alexios.”

  “It’s nothing, my love. The lighting is just too much today.”

  He stands and walks over to grab my arm.

  “Please don’t lie to me,” he whispers. “You stopped speaking twice and you looked like you were holding onto the table like you might pass out.”

  The queen’s presence floods my mind when I meet his eyes that are full of concern.

  “It’s nothing you need to worry about,” I answer simply. “I just need to rest for a while.”

  Arun sighs, clearly frustrated but he doesn’t ask any further questions. He steps away and I listen to the soft footsteps fading down the hall. The moment he’s gone, I drag a small wastebin and crouch low. The sickness rushes up before I can properly brace myself. I lean over and force myself to keep quiet as I retch.

  My hand grips the counter hard enough that I can hear the wood groaning. I breathe through my nose slowly to try and force this to pass. When it’s eventually over, I reach for a folded scrap of paper and drop it into the bin to cover what I’ve done before pushing the wastebin back into place as if it hasn’t even been moved.

  I wipe my mouth with the back of my sleeve and set my posture straight just in time for Arun to walk back in with a few bottles in hand.

  “Here, these might help you feel better.”

  I take them, trying my best to keep him from seeing the tremors in my fingers. He doesn’t seem to notice and I’d like it keep it that way.

  “Thank you,” I tell him. “That is very kind of you.”

  Arun places the bottles down on the table, smiling before he disappears back down the hallway.

  My throat burns from the bile so I take a seat, leaning back in the chair to let out a slow breath.

  Weakness does not suit you, Alexios.

  Though it does seem to make you easier to bend again.

  “Get the fuck out of my head,” I mutter under my breath. “We are not doing this today.”

  We will speak soon.

  My shoulders straighten up again and I force my hands to stop twitching. I cannot let her see through the cracks.

  --

  Later at night, I find Arun in the healing room, carrying a tray of tinctures in his hands.

  “Are you feeling better?” he asks politely.

  “I’m doing better,” I answer. “Still drained from the meeting.”

  He nods slowly.

  “Do you want me to…”

  “No,” I cut in quickly before forcing myself to smile. “No, I think I’ll take a bit of time to myself.”

  The concern on his face is clear as day, but he doesn’t push further.

  “Alright. I’ll be here if you need me, okay?”

  I lean down and kiss his cheek softly before turning towards the staircase, but the moment I’m out of his sight, my composure crumbles and I take the stairs slower than usual. I can’t even trust the steadiness of my own legs in this moment.

  Desperate for the quiet and just an hour to breathe without the queen’s voice in my head, my back stays pressed against the bedroom door as soon as I close it. This bedroom has been a place of comfort and warmth for the most part, but now it’s warm in an extremely different way.

  Sinking onto the edge of the bed, I rest my elbows on my knees, palms pressed to my face.

  “This is your doing again, isn’t it?” I whisper aloud.

  Possibly.

  “Why do you do this to me? Why is every damn thing that I do not enough anymore?”

  You must continue killing, Alexios.

  “Who?!” I rasp out.

  Does it matter at this point, my love? You know the relief will come.

  But you must keep going.

  The knot in my stomach tightens again, but I can’t tell if it’s the sickness or the thought of killing another man for her now.

  Give me more blood and I will give you relief.

  My hands curl into tight fists. She tempts me with “relief” if I take another life, but it has to be a lie. Nothing I do will ever be enough for her, will it?

  This would be so much easier if you just obeyed me, Alexios. If you do not, perhaps I will visit your sweet tiefling instead. I am quite certain his blood will taste lovely on my lips, yes?

  I’m up on my feet in an instant, taking the stairs too fast and slipping out of the manor with panic roaring far too loudly as I disappear out the front door and into the night.

  --

  Two men crash through the trees just past the bog, boots catching on roots and broken branches as they shout to one another. I lift a hand, fingers moving in a way that makes the shadows slide across the forest floor like oil. One of the men falls, gasping for air. The other tries to help him up, but I’m already behind them.

  I step closer, letting them see my eyes so the dread settles inside their bodies. The men are on their knees now, heads bowed in prayer as they beg for mercy as the strands of shadows wrap tightly around them to keep them in place.

  “What a shame,” I say. “You both ran so far… and you almost made it.”

  “Please!” one of them yells out. “We were just passing through.”

  “Unfortunately for the two of you, you were in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

  Kill them.

  You know it will make you feel better.

  You will be strong again, Alexios.

  I could end them in seconds. Just one push and their throats would be ripped open. It’s still tempting in ways I hate to admit now, but I hesitate.

  Do it now. I know exactly where pretty Arun is.

  One of the men tries to make a run for it again, but I command the shadows to yank him back down hard. All I can hear is their frantic breathing and my own heartbeat.

  And her. Always her, suffocating my mind with her presence.

  I move quickly as one hand goes to snap a jaw open as the other drives my blade in deep, but it isn’t enough. It’s never enough for her. The blade is ripped free before striking again and again as the men bleed out on the ground. I drop to my knees beside the one who’s still barely breathing and press my lips to one of the stab wounds.

  The first mouthful of blood tastes almost as if it’s burning my throat. The second is slightly smoother, my head buzzing as I drink until his heartbeat finally stutters and stops.

  There is my champion. My sweet and violent Alexios.

  When it’s over, I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand. Beneath the rich taste of blood rests the one thing I didn’t want to admit.

  The sickness is gone.

  The other man’s life has already faded out so I begin dragging his body by his ankles into the deeper part of the woods. The trees close in here, letting the shadows of the forest swallow the evidence of what has taken place tonight. I return to the other body, repeating the same routine until both are hidden under dense broken branches. If I’m lucky, the bodies will be destroyed by the creatures inhabiting the forest.

  As I walk back to the manor, the trees begin to thin out, letting the moonlight break through and illuminate the way back.

  “Alexios…”

  I stop dead in my tracks, head snapping in the direction of the voice. Nykky is leaning casually against a tree like he’s been waiting for me to find him. My heartbeat begins racing again.

  “You’re not really here,” I spit out defensively. “This is just one of her disgusting tricks, isn’t it?”

  I blink hard, but he’s still there when I open my eyes.

  “You think she’s got her claws in you now?” he says, almost in pity. “She will destroy you.”

  My heel catches on a root as I take a step back.

  “This… isn’t…. real!”

  “You’re right,” Nykky agrees, smiling. “I’m what’s left of something real and you’re destroying it every time you listen to her. You’re destroying Arun too. You realize that, don’t you?”

  The breeze whistling through the trees almost sounds like a hiss now and I squeeze my eyes shut. When I open them again, he’s gone and the space against the tree is empty. Before my mind can catch up, my legs are moving and I’m finally slipping through the backdoor of the house, closing it quietly so the latch clicking doesn’t alert anyone of my presence.

  My cloak goes directly into the bin next to the door, the wool covered in dirt and blood where it soaked through. I remove my shirt next and ball it up tightly to keep the stains out of immediate sight. Even my pants are removed and thrown in the pile.

  I push them deep under a sack of kitchen scraps, desperately hoping the stench of food will cover up the scent of blood. The servants will simply take the bin out tomorrow and it will be gone. At least, I hope. I find a spare robe tucked away in the downstairs closet and pull it on, but the fabric is a thin comfort to me after what I’ve done tonight.

  My hands are scrubbed thoroughly in the kitchen basin, water running pink before finally turning clear. Bits of soap bite at a few cuts I didn’t realize I had. As I make it upstairs, I see golden light pouring from the bedroom.

  It seems a few lamps have been lit by Arun and the soft amber glow washes across the walls. He’s bundled up under the blankets, tail swishing lazily when I step closer.

  “There you are,” he whispers, undoubtedly fighting with himself to stay awake.

  I force a smile.

  “Needed some air,” I lie smoothly. “Thought the night air might help soothe me.”

  He moves, lifting the blankets to make room for me. As soon as I’m under the covers, his hand finds mine. I stare at the ceiling for a while before turning over to face him. It feels almost impossible to trance right now. Every time I close my eyes, I see the men’s faces again.

  Arun’s tail brushes against my leg, but I keep my breathing steady, hoping he will think I’m already deep in my trance, but it doesn’t work.

  “Alexios… do you want to talk?”

  When I open my eyes to look at him, he’s already watching me, eyes searching in a way that lets me know he’s concerned and knows something is wrong but doesn’t want to push.

  I shake my head and force another smile.

  “It’s nothing you need to worry about, my beloved.”

  Arun sighs softly, leaning forward to kiss one of my collarbones.

  “Okay,” he finally says. “Just… if you ever do, I’m here. Always, Alexios.”

  Gods, his gentleness burns and soothes me at the same time. I will never deserve him.

  “I know,” I whisper. “Rest now, alright?”

  He nods and closes his eyes, but I can still feel his worry. Arun knows I’m lying and when he drifts back to sleep, I’m left staring at the ceiling again and asking myself how long I have until the truth claws its way out of me.

  A tear slips free, and then another. I keep silent as I cry because the last thing I want is for Arun to wake and see me like this. The regret of drowning myself in blood is suffocating now. I never thought I’d wish to undo it and break the collar I willingly placed around my own neck.

  I think of what life would be like without her and the pact. Then I think of precious Arun, sleeping beside me, blissfully unaware of what I’ve done. If I somehow broke the pact, it would mean losing the little bit of strength I have to protect him, but maybe I’ve damned myself so deeply that either way, I lose.

  The quiet weeping doesn’t stop, even as Arun’s hand wraps around my waist in his sleep. I don’t deserve him. I will never deserve him, but I can’t let her hands touch him either.

  I wonder if there could truly be a way out of this, I think.

  It’s a pathetic thought and I know better than to wonder. She can hear it after all.

  Oh, poor Alexios. Wondering that is like hoping the beautifully vicious wolf will ever release the helpless sheep from its hungry jaws.

  My lips tremble as the tears stream down my cheeks and into my hair.

  You do not really want out, my love. You just want relief. You want to believe you are still the man he thinks you are, but you chose this. You know how this works. You will keep choosing this because I will make sure of it.

  And if you try to walk away from me, I will make sure he feels every consequence of your betrayal.

  My eyes slam shut as I anxiously try to swallow down the weight of anger and helplessness before it rips me apart tonight.