Book 3: Sound And Fury

  Chapter 43 Your Freudian Slip is Showing

  Outside the palace gate, the main path led into downtown Foresthome; while a narrow, less traveled track led off to the inn, far below on its lakeside peninsula. Just inside the screening trees and brush, Kylie the huge jumping spider waited nervously and tuned her voice with single-minded focus…

  She stepped into a small clearing just off the trail, when she caught the sounds of the approaching humanoids and their horse.

  “Please forgive this imposition, friends…” She stammered in High Dirigdish, the formal dialect of the language she shared with Barry Ward.

  “Kylie! I’d hoped you might stick around for a chat.” Barry chirped happily when she stepped out from the trees. “Give us a minute, please, gang.” He urged his family and friends. “I’ll give you all the juicy gossip, I swear… I just can’t do any more translating tonight!”

  “Oh, that was Drigdish!” Gandree called out. “I speak that… wait? What the hell am I speaking right now?”

  “Is human common language of this world and many local worlds!” Daisybelle sang out in her high, merry voice. “Gandree boy has the isekai language gift… speaks most tongues naturally. Is innate gift of isekai souls! Goblins has it too, a side-effect of wicked cult curses and magics!”

  That sparked a vigorous and intense debate among the surprisingly nerdy young people, distracting them quite neatly from the huge arachnid.

  Barry lingered as the others continued on, gabbing in a mad swirl of voices.

  “So the wicked light cult did something super duper evil with some poor isekai soul… That made boy goblins all weird and savage, while girl goblins got the gift of languages?” Lindsey asked, as they drifted around a bend in the path.

  “Yub yub… light cult witches suck at their jobs! Should be embarrassed!” Daisy complained from the increasing distance as they walked on.

  “So what’s up, Kylie? Is your boss doing something stupid again?” Barry asked in Kyile’s native dance, once they were alone.

  “It really weirds me out, the way you do that with half your limbs missing… It’s uncanny to think a human can speak our dialects.” She sang with a pronounced shudder. “I’m not a humanophobe like the lady Finli…” She chuckled, spider-wise; which was a quick swaying dance that bent all her knees into a very complex Charleston. “The awful wretch is terrified of mankind!” She giggled again with naughty glee at her nasty bit of gossip.

  “Oh? Scared of humans? Sweet!” Barry enthused, his already huge grin spreading even more widely across his face. “I can work with that, thanks! But you didn’t hide in the woods to… How do I say ‘spill the tea’ in your language?” He asked, switching to their shared dwarven tongue for a moment.

  “We say ‘sip from an unknown cocoon’ in that case. I’m afraid the phrase is considered a little vulgar and crass.” She admitted wearily. “Consuming unknown prey hanging from a random web is fraught with a number of comically embarrassing perils. I doubt it translates well.”

  Barry had a giggle at her awkward and embarrassed dance moves, she clearly wanted to move on from this topic. “All right, What’s on your mind, Kylie?” He asked gently.

  “I hesitate to press you on this… your uncle… The Hermit…” She began, while enjoying the experience of actually communicating with a primate on some really nerdy levels.

  “What about him?” Barry asked, suspicion lingering in his dance moves.

  “The Hermit was first encountered a little over three hundred years ago, in a dungeon world that has since been closed to us.” She began, working hard on seeming less threatening to ease his mind.

  “Males of our kind are not sentient, Barry. None of them are capable of higher order thought, or even the simplest forms of communication. Many consider him a myth, an impossibility that seems like a silly dream…”

  She sighed and bounced from side to side a few times. “He has been the topic of much speculation and rumor… also many, many expeditions, searches and hunts. None have ever turned up anything but second hand reports and idle speculation.”

  “He’s called Hermit… I think that says a lot about the issue.” Barry replied just a little sharply. “I think he knows how to contact your people, if he wishes to. I suspect he’s always known. That should also inform your approach to these negotiations.”

  “I understand, Barry Ward. I will withdraw, but I leave you this.” She held out a small square of finely knitted cloth, embroidered in undyed silk with an impossibly complex pattern.

  “I wish to meet with the Hermit, I ask that you convey that wish to him. If you burn, cut or tear this cloth, I will sense it and will return here.” Her dance became awkward and a little disorganized for a moment. “I have always had a personal fascination with humanoids… this will allow you to contact me should you wish to speak again.”

  “Oh… Nice! We have some tricks that work that way, too. I’m afraid my little bird flute is busted, though.” He glared up at the mountain pass, where the widow matron was probably legging it for home. “I’m still pretty salty over that!”

  “This trinket is my own creation; it will notify me that you wish to speak… just between your clan and I.” She insisted. “I hold no clerical or government office. I am an Adventurer, like you… That makes us colleagues in our own way. I became an Adventurer in hopes of interacting with a humanoid, someday.”

  The genuine version of this novel can be found on another site. Support the author by reading it there.

  A merry spray of shivering notes flew from her harp as she took a knee bobbing little happy dance, spinning in a half circle then reversing to face him once more. “I gotta admit, you’re just as cute as my auntie Thirp, when you get excited. Barry sighed. “I’ll let my uncle know you want to meet with him, he’s pretty shy, though. You are always welcome, feel free to pop by whenever. I gotta run now, family meeting!”

  Kylie watched her new human friend dash down the narrow trail, moving quickly for a ground-bound being with only two legs.

  “Such bizarre creatures…” She muttered at the start of her long journey home.

  /

  Garry paced up and down in front of the hearth where Mariah’s tree smoldered merrily, too intent on the important matters at hand to marvel at the minor miracle of a burning tree that was also thriving and bearing a small crop of glowing wildfire plums.

  “Ducky says I can’t just ignore him… That douche War is going to keep hanging around, stinking up the place until I put that loser to bed for good.” The Fool grumbled. “He wants something from me and I have little desire to listen to his bitching and whining.”

  “What be yer intention, then?” Shai demanded gently. “This is nae a thing we understand.”

  “Remember when War took a physical avatar to enter my soul and try to take control? Remember how War got his head punched in by Ward?” He asked with a smile at the fond memories. “Good times…” A quick flurry of whispered explanations for the newly initiated flew through the room, while Gary took a moment to pour fresh tea for himself and his wife.

  “Ward left him sprawled all over my lawn; which I had to clean up and dispose of… it was a real mess, too! Well you can’t just bury a god’s corpse… Especially if that god is still alive and well, making an ass of himself elsewhere! With limited disposal options, I entombed the body in a marble sar-cock-phagus, naturally. A dick and balls shaped monument to War’s divine glory!”

  The whispered explanations continued during the Fool’s continued nonsense. Daisybelle, Gandree and Lindsey huddled close to Harry, listening intently to his more lucid narrative. “Are you serious?” Lindsey demanded of Harry, a bit too loudly during a lull in the narration. “That guy killed three gods? For real!?”

  “I don’t think they were very good gods…” Harry soothed her gently. “But that’s also a big part of why Healer hates his guts, She and War had this whole star crossed divine lovers thing going on...”

  Lindsey made a little squeak of distress, when Gary’s big, calloused hand landed on her shoulder. The guy was super sneaky, even when addressing a crowd. “Life’s complicated in our little family; but we keep things fun and interesting, at least.” He mumbled into the startled girl’s ear. “We’re at the start of our next quest, I’m calling it the Missing Member Mission!”

  “No, just no!” Lindsey answered sharply. “I’m not joining anything with a name that stupid! It’s appalling enough that you kept the War god’s balls…! If we really need to reunite War’s… genitals, the matter should be approached with sobriety and seriousness."

  Gary sighed and sank into a chair beside the young Adventurer, while she scolded and berated the master of the house, with backup from the rest of his family and friends.

  /

  Barry arrived at the family inn, just as evening began to settle down and make room for night to move in over the wooded valley of Foresthome. He slipped through the door and switched his shoes for slippers just in time to hear a slow, agonized groan rise from the gathered family and friends.

  “...What? We have to call it something!” Gary insisted, with lots of sweet and childlike innocence in his voice; that always meant he was up to something silly and or stupid.

  “Gary, we are not calling it ‘the Quest for the Wargod’s Dong’. That is not happening.” Dannyl said very slowly and carefully. “I’m also rejecting your next several suggestions, preemptively.” That drew a round of firm agreement from the rest of the gathering, including a very strong endorsement from Shai.

  “Lindsey is right, this be a serious task! We must address it with sobriety and decorum, as befits grown folks!” The ginger smith grumbled at her foolish husband. “Tis cause for enough embarrassment already; I kinnae scarcely bear it, seeking after a gigantic stone cock to complete the set of boulder bollocks yer carrying.”

  “Honestly, I made War’s sarcophagus into a huge stone dildo just to be annoying; I can admit it, I was being petty and stupid…” Gary murmured quietly. “And now for more of my special blend of petty stupidity!”

  “When did this become a meeting about naming our next quest? Is that even a thing?” Becky asked the room at large.

  “What did I miss?” Barry asked, as he slid up to the Clown-Shoe’s table, beside Lindsey.

  “Absolutely nothing but what you’d expect. Dad’s being goofy to hide his anxiety, mom’s getting frustrated and we’re waiting for Amy and Becky to set him straight again.” Harry narrated quickly and quietly. “Pops is almost out of dick jokes that no one really understands, so it won’t be long now.”

  “Already? He must still be tired…” Barry whispered and winked at the gathered kids.

  “Dick Tracy and the case of the Missing Manmeat?” Gary offered weakly, eliciting even more groans, laughter and rejections from the family.

  /

  Dawn crept slowly down the mountains and spread over the lake of Foresthome while the count and countess watched from the balcony of their chambers. The lake mist burned away, taking the Ward’s inn along with it; consumed by the rising sun’s purifying rays. Few traces of the compound’s sprawling gardens, orchards, hedges and structures remained, once the sun emerged into the sky. Even the enormous stone basins and monolithic waterfall hotspring; they all vanished like a pleasant dream at the cock’s crow.

  “It was nice, having the family back together.” Tawny muttered into her husband’s warm arms, where they enfolded her on the blanket draped chaise lounge the mad Fool had gifted them. She snuggled down into the plush, tufted upholstery and her obliging count, becoming just slightly more comfy.

  “Yes… But it’ll be nice to have a bit of peace and quiet, as well.” Liam sighed and smiled very fondly at the dark, rich soil of the once barren peninsula the inn had occupied for a few weeks.

  “I think we will be seeing a lot more of them, now that we are at a bit of a crossroads. The goblin king said we have a large number of latent void apertures in the region, thanks to Gary’s magic ball-sack landing here.”

  “Oh, gods…” Tawny muttered, sounding both amused and cross. “I have been trying to avoid confronting the absurd truth of our situation head on, husband. Now you’ll have to explain something ridiculous without any help from your silly friends.”

  “My silly friends?” He demanded archly, while his warm, swordsman’s hands roamed over her faintly swelling abdomen. “I’m sure they’ll be back before the baby is born…” He sighed warmly into her ear.

  “Shai promised me as much, silly man… now explain this ‘void maw’ issue in a way I can understand.” She demanded, while wriggling just a little closer to her count.

  “His ‘Eldritch Scrotum’ crashed down on that mountainside, on the night of the Madman’s Moon, though no one was here to see it fall. The energies released by a trans dimensional, semi divine shard of dreamstuff, starstuff and nightmares crashing to the real, physical ground cracked the etheric veil in my little domain.

  Without a Will, Mind or any motive force to open them, the apertures remained closed; held shut by the pressure of

  our world’s natural magic.”

  “So what happened?” Tawny murmured, as the sun began to warm their nest in the balcony.

  “The ridiculous, arcane magic stone straddles a few worlds, in some strange ways. It appears as a single, testicle shaped boulder in each world, dormant and idle. Only Gary’s proximity to the… artifact caused the ruptured veil to begin to open; and the… divine shenanigans he got up to here have combined to create a nexus, a crossroads in our little valley.”

  “Can we expect more visitors from… elsewhere?” She asked quietly.

  “I’m certain we can… Though I expect few will be as challenging as the Arachnean delegation.” Liam whispered.

  A soft rap at the chamber door roused the two nobles from their leisurely morning snuggle, as Braan, second in the count’s guard slipped into the chamber silently, despite being a huge, bear of a man.

  “Begging yer pardon, count Liam, countess Tawny… There’s a huge swarm of bees at the gate, asking for an audience with you.” He shrugged and rolled his eyes helplessly.

  /

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  Hey gang, here we are at the end of book three; it’s been a wild ride so far and things are about to heat up! I’d like to thank all of you who have rated, commented, starred or just read my silly tale so far… I have to write this, but you guys choose to come along for the ride, so thanks again, to all of you!

  I’ma take a couple weeks off and come back with book four before the new year. Until then, thanks again!

  Your grateful author,

  LL

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