Book: 4

  Chapter 7

  Rockin In The Free World

  “Count Kinnis… There is a huge swarm of…Bees? Perhaps wasps… Anyway, they are at the gate.” Malus announced nervously. The veteran warrior was never nervous, unless Gary was near, or a Gary... The whole mad family was ‘out of town’ so to speak; so that couldn’t be it.

  “A delegation from the council of hives? Send them in!” Liam announced eagerly. The fae bee swarms produced and traded their own honey, as well as that of the sun-sting bees they farmed as humans farm cattle or chickens…

  Since the bees were raven sized, aggressive to all mammals, carnivorous and highly venomous; their precious, delicious honey was a rarity among rarities.

  That trade alone accounted for half of his usual yearly exports, despite the quantities traded being nearly inconsequential.

  County Kinnis of Wheatford duchy was the sole reliable source of the sweet, magical stuff and only a few pounds entered the market every year. Otherwise it was an ounce or two, here and there, gathered by Adventurers, at great risk.

  “No sir, not the council of hives; the Hive, my lord. The Hive, he’s… it’s… they’re… Whatever! A swarm of venomous, stinging wasps or something to see you, my lord. I’m going fishing for a week! No, two weeks… My lord.”

  Malus stomped off, dropping his helmet on a hat rack by the palace’s main door. “Spiders and bees and wasps! Occult armies and goblin kings! Madness!” He complained bitterly as he strode toward the lake.

  “Your servitor seems distressed by our presence…” A low, droning buzz sounded at the chamber door. “We understand that we are challenging for the soft and fleshy to interact with. Apologies for the discomfort and stress we bring to your hive.” It buzzed and hummed softly.

  “Are you… one of them? One of him? A Gary Ward?” Liam asked awkwardly, because that’s how you ask that kind of thing.

  “We are a Gary Ward… though not in ways you understand. We are a non-local hive-mind, existing in several locations, domains and temporal phases simultaneously. It’s a little bit complicated.” The being almost sounded like Gary at the end there, for just a moment.

  “He says confusing things like that all the time too.” Liam agreed calmly. “Gary… or rather, the Fool is not here, friend. It is unknown when he will return. Will you leave a message for him?”

  “Yes, warn him… His death is nigh! He shall be attacked by those he most suspects, immediately after a legal proceeding! I have seen it in visions of things to come!” The being buzzed and hummed excitedly. “This will bring about a great calamity and damage the very universe in which you all exist!”

  The entity’s voice lowered, taking on a conspiratorial tone. “The shadow of death itself lurks nearby him! It is, I fear, possible that even an immortal being could face destruction, somehow! These are dark portents and must be heeded!”

  “Lord Hive… I think we need to have a talk about some recent events.” Liam sighed, wishing the Fool’s baths were still in town.

  /

  “I’ve never been so tired in my life, Shai.” Lindsey gasped, too exhausted to even wonder if she should have used a title, honorific or should have called her mother, as she often felt moved to do. The lanky, gray eyed girl sank lower in the water, until only her nose and eyes remained above the surface.

  “Tired is just weakness leaving the body, child. And ye have not seen our tally for the venture.” The giantess chortled with a wicked laugh that shook the bath. “Only the finest, golden oats fer wee Flash. Aye, and heirloom carrots from the finest gardens. Ye will be able to afford such.”

  “Queen Shai, happy? Is good-good bargain?” Lucy asked eagerly.

  “Aye, good-good bargain, lass. Ye have earned yer spear, long-knife and more beside, my dear.” Shai purred, her lust for gold satisfied. “Now if only that Fool husband of mine were in reach…”

  “What’s that, moth… Shai?” Lindsey asked, when her mind stopped wandering.

  “Nothing lass. Nothing much.”

  /

  In the distance, beneath his inn, down in the workshop, Gary Ward, one of several, shivered with delight as a warm, tingly sensation ran up and down his spine. Shai was thinking about ‘fishing’ again.

  “Mmm…”

  “Ew, gross.” Wilf sassed his papa, from his workbench nearby. “I know that mumble, old man.”

  “Hmph! Young whippersnapper…” He creaked like an old geezer, while shaking his fist at the lad in the classical style.

  “It’s good to see mom getting over excited and super jazzed again…” Wilford sighed at his pops. “Reminds me of before… when we were all together.”

  “We’ll always be together, son. Even when we part. Now let’s see what the goblins brought us…” Gary said, with that monster harvesting look in his eyes. “I see a lot of monster bug parts already. Venom sacks first!”

  The two men worked side by side, extracting toxic things from noxious things while singing and whistling merry tunes between each other. With tiny hammers, nut crackers and picks of bronze and bone, they disassembled a whole town’s nightmares worth of creepy, crawly, nasty and venomous monsters, one valuable piece at a time.

  “Wax glands… carapace segments, it’s all valuable stuff, no trash.” Wilf muttered happily, looking over their haul. “They have a sharp eye for value, no surprise.”

  “Yeah, Ghnash is finally making strides, breaking through some barriers at last. These are exciting times for them and him, but we still need to find our dumb, damaged, divine dingus.” Gary sighed sadly. “I’d love to stay and help, but I have the god of war hanging around my neck, damage to my soul to repair and I’m still ready to strangle Dana the dumbass healer. Vacation is almost over, son.”

  “I’ve been ready to work for a while, pops. Let’s have an Adventure!” He said with a wide, eager grin, before deflating a little. “…if mom says it’s okay.”

  “Son, I think she’d drag us down the first unfamiliar road we ran across at this point. When we met, she became an anchor, tying me to Wheatford… But lately I’ve been dragging all of us down.” He swatted his son on the shoulder and grinned in that old, mad way.

  “I’ve got a little of that old mojo back. Your old man should be back in shape soon enough. Just gotta up my training intensity to maximum.” He chuckled and started stretching, as he prepared to go upstairs for evening training.

  “It’s gonna be a real workout.”

  /

  Flat on his back, spread eagle on the lawn and gazing up at the stars, Gary was perfectly comfortable. Late summer’s warmth lingered into the night, on breezes perfumed with the exotic and strange flora of this world. Flora he’d barely tickled at all, so far; only a tiny fraction of the plants unique to this world had crossed his fingertips and revealed their secrets…

  If you find this story on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the infringement.

  Secrets count Liam and his nerdy garden society nerds would nerd out over, once his nerdy little sister published his findings in Plant Nerd Quarterly, with footnotes from Liam’s nerdy wife Tawny, the big nerd...

  “You’re thinking mean things about uncle Liam again, aren’t you?” Amy asked sweetly.

  “No, I was thinkin’ mean things about all the people I love… buncha nerds.” He muttered distractedly. “It helps me when I’m cultivatin’ different… stuff.”

  “Uhh, huh… And just what ‘different stuff’ might that be?” She asked, less sweetly. “You overextended yourself really badly not long ago. I think you’re still a little extra-haunted or something.”

  “I’m just cultivating you, know… stuff.” He grunted, sounding strained. “It’s complicated.”

  “Ok, I’ll find out for myself.” A moment later, Shiro’s tiny kitten head popped out of her bodice, peering around sleepily, as if just awakened from a nap.

  Amy closed her own eyes, looking at her prone father on the lawn, through the eyes of the prime servitor of an outer god.

  The world shimmered with potential all around, draped with primeval and fundamental truths and possibilities, and souls, so many lost, misdirected and aimless souls in their near endless legions.

  There on the lawn lay her familiar papa, boiling and churning with the barely restrained and chaotic energies of the void, simultaneously rending him apart and drawing hom back together in an energetic cycle of destruction and renewal. So, the usual.

  What was unusual was the long silver cord of Will and Intention, drawing out from his navel and drifting out of sight, beyond even the range of immortal eyes.

  “What’s that coming from your belly-button?” She asked sharply.

  “Nuffin…” Her father answered, his face going bright red. “It’s nuffin.”

  “Liar!” She barked, reaching out and plucking the cord, which produced a bass note so low it shook everything around on some pretty upsetting levels.

  “Oh! No! Don’t do that!” He groaned and writhed on the ground as the vibration started rolling back down the strand from wherever it ended. “Ohhh. It’s not attached to my navel….” He groaned again, as Amy backed away carefully. “It’s linked to my ass-hole… Aww, man, these were new pants!”

  A few minutes later, after a shower and new pants, Gary sat at a table under the stars, sipping tea with Amy and blushing.

  “Ok! Now, dish. Mama said you aren’t allowed to do anything weird while she’s away!” The teenage terror demanded.

  “It’s not anything weird… for me. I was attempting to manifest my etheric bond with my home on the moon, back where we came from.” He smiled and nodded merrily. “See? Nothing strange about that!”

  “Everything is strange about that…” She grumbled. “Weirdo.”

  “I’m trying to divine where my missing marble man-ument to manly War’s manhood went. It was made from moonstuff, dreamstuff and my own Will, as much as anything else, wrapped around that nutty, chocolatey turd center.” He explained and complained at the same time.

  “Gross, and that’s why you crapped your pants?” She demanded, feeling superior.

  “Sweetie… When you strummed that cord, you were tugging on a fundamental connectin between me and the occult and eldritch nature of the dungeon world I’m linked to... I think you might have pulled something.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”She demanded.

  “Look up.” He grumbled as a white clay ocarina bird landed on his shoulder and began reading him the riot act in sweet strains of feminine birdsong and wifely discontent...

  Above, soaring through the sky were two moons; one, sickle of bright, gleaming silver, sharp and keen edged. The stark black craters that marred its face suggested a grinning goblin skull leering down from the heavens. The other was dim, green and hazy, as if seen through a veil of mist from a distance too vast to imagine.

  “Not my fault! I was just cultivating!” He yelped, as king Ghnash strode down from his castle, obviously wondering who was doing occult stuff in his home.

  /

  Shai and her party returned around midmorning, after several late night ocarina flights and some exhausting jazz flute explanations. They rode in tired, sweaty and triumphant from the hills, laden with treasure.

  “A monster salmon? Really! Sound’s delicious! I’ll brine some cedar planks!” Gary enthused with Barry and Lucy; while Shai and Lindsey were showing off their horde of gold nuggets, gold dust, gold specimens and small gemstones…

  “Oh! Salmon!” King Ghnash grumbled hungrily, firmly on the fishy side of the venn diagram, with most of the family.

  “I does sound good…” Shai grumbled, abandoning her newfound riches to enter the kitchen and begin working beside her silly husband, preparing that monster fish.

  “It feels like we lost sight of something important…” Amy muttered later, when the mushroom risotto and wild herb salad hit the table beside salmon three ways; ginger soy glazed, cedar plank grilled and poached in wine.

  “Nope, Harry’s pulling the rolls out of the oven now.” Gary replied, after eyeballing the spread on the tables. “That’s everything!”

  /

  Ward, god of Death, Vengeance, Dark Secrets and Golden Figs, was having a nice day off. Everything was running smoothly, Gary and his whole brood were off-world, in a realm where his influence was only just beginning to spread, so it was super chill.

  Fig lay in his arms, with Pine and Hemlock curled up close by, just enjoying being near each other in a mortal way… The endless and intricate tangle of roots, magic and mortal dreams that intertwined the whole dryad race made physical closeness unnecessary, but it still felt… Great!

  On his shared domain, a figment of imagination given shape and form by the splintered and fractured Will of a legion of fragmented, recursive, infinite, partial souls; the whole dryad race came together. Here, on the Madman’s moon, they all shared one soil, rooted in a single forest; as nowhere else in all the vast everywhere and everywhen.

  Ward rolled over and snuggled into Baobab, whose solidity and strength was just to die for… and she had killer legs. Baobab complained in her dreams of vast savannahs and endless plains, when his shadow fell over her, disturbing her rest.

  “Wait, I have a shadow?” Ward asked, just before he got sucked through his own… Imagine being turned inside out, like a tight sweater coming off of a big guy… and you’re the sweater and the guy… and it’s your butt-hole.

  “Gary Ward! You insufferable WORM!” Someone was shouting into the void, even though he was right there, shaken, upset and mildly traumatized in a way that he never expected to be… but he was right there.

  “Dude, shut up. My brother’s not even awake right now! Chill.” Ward grumbled at the idiot in armor of blood, iron and flames.

  Everything about his armor that could support a spike was spiked, the rest was a gory mess of oiled, blood smeared muscles and stylized skulls. The guy was a caricature of a stereotype drawn from a lazy police sketch of a divine, but still a god.

  He leaned on a gigantic clown-show of a sword that would draw laughs at an anime convention, which never stopped dripping bloody flames, flames that bled and blood-flame combinations that were just stupid. Dangerously stupid.

  “You!” The deity hissed, fury distorting his face into an animalistic mask of mindless rage.

  “Yup. Want me to clean your clock again? I think I can punch your head completely off, here. You can’t die at my hands, but I can goof on you literally forever, now that I’ve found where you are.” Ward smiled benevolently at his fellow divine.

  “This is his asshole, you know… right? Well, the spiritual equivalent of it, anyway. You are a little pocket of divine Will, clinging to him by your last shreds of consciousness.”

  Ward watched as the dummy tried to wrap his empty, armored skull around a concept other than his main thing. “Humility, is what I’m suggesting. Try a little, before he figures out a way to cure occult hemorrhoids and you really do vanish from creation.”

  “Petty and false divine! You know not with whom you trifle!” He roared… but without conviction or force behind it.

  “Yeah, I get it. No one ever expected anything else from you… except Dana.” He remarked casually, as he prepared to leave. “She always saw something in you, still does. Don’t know what, don’t care.”

  “Dana…? She asked about me? Mentioned me?” War gasped, his formerly booming voice suddenly very quiet and soft.

  “She did. The Healer remains furious with him for your sake, even now.” Ward waved at the imprisoned divine and gave him a cheery grin. “My brother is far too forgiving to end you and too vengeful to let you go, which is why you are still here at all. Not all of him is so unwilling to take lives, brother War.”

  He grinned at the confused divine and shook his head. “You are within him… Look out through his senses, poke around and learn something while you’re here. He won’t mind, so long as you remain respectful. Now, I’ve spent enough time in this shit-hole, hanging with an ass-hole. Later, loser.”

  /

  The whole family was enjoying the feast in the garden, with a number of goblins ambling over to join in. Music began before long, raised by the locals, with drums and flutes created by the king and cherished for generations of his subjects.

  “They all know every Steely Dan track… The whole discography! It’s amazing! Liam should have come along!” Gary enthused, as they circled ‘Kid Charlamagne’ on the outro, spinning the chorus out in their sweet voices and simple instruments, just for the melodious joy of it.

  “No gods here, but we needed hymns and songs… develops the mind and spirit! Good for everyone and grows akashic record, slowly but steadily!” Ghnash jeered from the stage. “What better than classic jazz-fusion prog rock? Jethro Tull for high holy days, though.”

  Gary reflected on the highly inconsistent religious music he’d been exposed to and shrugged helplessly.

  “Great, I’m stoked that you clowns are getting along so well… Why the fuck did you do that, with your ass-hole, Ass-hole?” Ward demanded sharply from behind Gary. “I was having a relaxing night off, then you sent an absolute geyser of unquiet souls through me! Without so much as an ‘I’m about to pull you into another dimension.’ Or even ‘Sorry, bro?’ Not cool buddy, seriously not cool.”

  “Uh…” Gary began in harmony with Ghnash, who looked equally perplexed. “What did I do?”

  “You pulled me through your insides and out into this domain, by pulling a shadow of the moon into this realm… You know, that thing up in the sky.” He pointed up to the sickle of sharp silver light, soaring beside the dim green of the Madman’s moon. “Wait… Two moons?”

  “Always two moons, dumb dumb. You ever read manga or webnovels? I ask, cause you sounded kinda stupid there.” Ghnash quipped at the nerdy god, who he knew damned well had read all that same stuff.

  “Do the math, goblin boy. You pulled a shadow of the Madman’s moon here through our shared connection. That’s super weird and was an awful ride, so fuck you for that.” He shook his head at the duo of dopes and grinned. “That’s not Beast’s moon; that’s Luna, earth’s moon, morons. Now we know why War is hanging around your soul, at least.”

  “Oh…” The two idiots cooed up at the sky and the oddly unfamiliar skull face leering down from it.

  “I see it now… She picked up a few extra craters!” Gary announced a moment later. “We see her from an oblique angle as well, I think.”

  “Gary…” Ghnash muttered quietly, as he clambered down from the stage. “How did you bring a slice of earth’s moon here?”

  “Uh…” The musician opined, displaying the depth and breadth of his wisdom to its fullest.

  “Right.” Ward declared firmly. “I’m going home, stop goofing with the nature of reality, both of you! I’ll send old man Wheel to see you. Try to avoid destroying anything ‘til he gets here.” The divine vanished into a fig tree in the garden, leaving a sweet scent of sun warmed leaves behind.

  “Oh… The Wheel…” Ghnash said with a grin. “Things do tend to come full circle when he’s involved, I suppose.”

  /