Third Heist: Jewelry Store Japes (Pt. 2): Fluff Vs Ink

  --- Joshua Durand ---

  Figuring out how to convince everyone that the (abomination) was evil, especially under the weight of several dozen skeptical looks. Including Bill (the traitor!)

  Which is why instead he decided, “Fuck it, we’re doing shonen battle rules!”

  “What?” Both Bill and Stella blinked.

  (Yeah… I got no idea what that means?)

  “You know shonen anime rules? Might makes right with copious amounts of make it up as we go rules and bullshit.” He explained slowly because it was honestly kind of obvious.

  (Is anime a kind of cartoon?)

  (Cartoons are any animation style originating in Japan, who while outputting the majority are not the sole producers of it.)

  (In that case I’ll allow it.)

  “Wait, I thought you said you weren’t going to fight a kid?” Bill frowned, arms crossed. “And how does fighting prove that fluffball is evil?”

  “Snowball!” Stella corrected from the sideline.

  “Ugh, you’re killing me here…” He groaned as obnoxiously as possible before sighing and raising a single finger into the air. “First off in shonen anime -like many saturday morning cartoons- the righteousness of one’s heart determine if they win a fight. Meaning when I beat the evile one, then clearly my heart is more r-r-righteous.”

  Bill’s face scrunched up. “That’s not how-”

  “Second!” He interrupted, shoving two fingers into the mall security guard’s face before glaring into Stella’s eyes. “Our eyes met, that means we have to battle!”

  “Again fighting a kid.” Bill reiterated.

  “Gaaaaaah!” He groaned even more obnoxiously, his cartoon body allowing him to bend in an exaggerated manner. “Not a people battle but a copyright distinct monster battle!”

  Bill stared at him for a moment, before once more asking. “What?”

  Rolling his eyes, Joshua spun his fedora, before taking a pitcher’s stance and throwing a blob of Toonified Ink between him and Stella. “Go, Sir Blobert Blobington The Second, I choose you!”

  The ink blob smeared across the floor.

  Everyone stared at the smear.

  It was in no hurry to do anything but lay on the floor.

  Everyone started to look at him.

  “Blobby you’re making me look bad!” He hissed, his powers assuring him that he had in fact summoned his little dream rather than just any old blob of ink.

  After another moment of laying there, the (lazy) little dream finally picked itself off the floor. Only to then immediately glare at him with several violent and offended jiggles that only those who could understand the totally not made up language of blobese -and Blobby’s rather heavy accent- would no translated to something along the lines of, (“You threw me at the ground face first you fuck!”)

  “I’m sorry! I thought I was throwing you ass first, not face first!” He apologized, not pointing out that Blobby had a bad case of buttface, with said face kind of looking like his ass just with googly eyes. (Damn budget cuts.)

  Blobby made another set of jiggles, these ones far too vulgar and offensive to be translated for our delicate viewers. Which is why the will instead be censored as: (“You &^&*# of a &^*!^ %!*)#”% ^*&@(!#)

  “Hey don’t bring my mom into this! She’s dead!” He frowned at the blob. “How’d you feel if I said that about your mom?”

  The next set of jiggly jugglely jelly meant, (“I don’t have a mom!”)

  “Well she’d be disappointed in you if you did!” He shouted back, before pointing at the (abomination) in Stella’s arms. “Now if you want to make your non-existent parents proud, kick that shit out of that furry fucker!”

  For some reason everyone was looking at him and Blobby with pale faces and wide eyes. (Probably still under that little monster’s mind control…)

  The only exception was the dead eyed little (abomination) happily panting as it began to struggle against Stella’s grip. “Snowball?!”

  The furry little monster leapt out of its young summoner’s arms before having the audacity to land on in a superhero pose. A pose that held for exactly two seconds before the Flufflepuff promptly face planted, hind legs wiggling in the air.

  Blobby’s eyes narrowed at the fluffy horror, before in fit of perhaps naive honor to the Blobbington name sent out a small tendril to push the Flufflepuff onto its stomach.

  Ensure your favorite authors get the support they deserve. Read this novel on Royal Road.

  An honorable act that was promptly taken advantage of as the evile little furball leapt forward to lick Blobby across his face, the poor blob stunned by the sheer horror and disgust of such an act.

  “See! Blobby tries to be an honorable opponent and this little monster immediately assaults him!” Joshua shouted in outrage.

  “What? No.” Stella frowned in confusion. “That’s how she shows she likes someone!”

  “The fact that it has convinced a hero that such behaviour is okay, is perhaps the true horror of such a devious creature.” He sighed, giving the poor naive young hero a look of pure pity. “But fear not for we shall defeat this evile creature! Blobby use Ink Blot!”

  Understanding what he meant, his little blob began to expand before spitting out an ink blot -admittedly smaller than Joshua’s own- and sending the Flufflepuff rolling back as ink stained its white fur, forcing it to match the blackness of its twisted soul.

  “Snowball!” Stella cried in shock, before rallying in a way that would have been impressive for a ten year old if not for the fact that she was doing it on behalf of the (abomination) brainwashing her. “Tackle him!”

  The Flufflepuff shook itself, somehow shaking off the ink clinging to its fur before rushing forward and tackling Blobby, who in a feat of gelatinous agility rolled with the blow to throw his furry attacker off, sending it rolling away.

  “So, now you show your violent evile nature?” He asked the (abomination) as it came to a sitting stop happily panting all the while as its tongue hung in the air. “If that’s the case… Prison rules! Blobby use Shank-A-Bitch!”

  Blobby let loose a jiggly battle cry as he used Equip Ink to sculpt a knife from his gelatinous flesh before stabbing it into Snowball in a trio of blows that ended with the little blob sliding around the Flufflepuff and delivering one final kidney shot.

  Releasing his victim, Blobby quickly returned to his initial spot, his blobby head swaying behind him with the speed he moved, before assessing the Flufflepuff and finding it happily panting as if it hadn’t been the victim of a prison assassination.

  At which point Blobby let loose a jello filled exclamation of, (“Da fuq?”)

  “Yeah, da fuq?” He blinked, matching his little Dream’s googly eyes. “How is it okay after all of that?!”

  “Because Flufflepuffs are indestructible?” Stella answered as if that was super obvious.

  “Oh, that’s such bullshit!” He huffed, in time to Blobby’s own cursing. “Nothing is indestructible!”

  “Well… Flufflepuffs are.” The ten year old declared as if there was no arguing that fact.

  “Well, then we’ll just have to see about that!” He scoffed before deciding that, “And since we’re the rebellious heroes of this tale, we can break the turn based rules via our own shonen friendship bullshit!”

  “But that’s-that’s not how these games work!” Stella frowned.

  “And I’m not the GM!” He shot back before pointing at the Flufflepuff. “Blobby give them the chair!”

  Blobby reached two inky tendrils into his body before pulling out a folded steel black chair and slamming it across the Flufflepuff’s face. And then when that did nothing, he began to frustratedly repeat the move until he was left holding up said chair, only bent in half now.

  Snowball remained unharmed.

  “Before cheats again, pin him down!” Stella cried.

  Obeying its summoner’s orders the fluffy horror leapt high into the air, trapping a stunned Blobby in its shadow, before slamming into him with enough force to send it back into the air, allowing it to slam into him again, and again. Each time crushing his poor little dream beneath its fat fluffy butt as Toon Time kicked in and Blobby’s eyes bulged out of his non-existent skull.

  When the bouncing finally stopped, Blobby shoved the Flufflepuff off of him and began limping away.

  “Blobby, you need reinforcements.” He warned his little Dream. “Remind everyone here why you’re the Boss Blob!”

  With a look of determination Blobby nodded as he began to vibrate in place with a high pitch squeal before promptly headbutting the ground and leaping back to reveal a second -smaller- Blob, blinking with a derpy look on its face.

  “Wait, they can make more of themselves?” Stella gasped in shock.

  “Of course he’s the Boss Blob after all!” He grinned, at having caught his opponent offguard. “Now both of you gang up on that fluffball!”

  From within his inky mass Blobby withdrew an ink bat with a nail through it as the other blob blinked, their eyes out of sync before Blobby reached over and adjusted the second blob’s eyes to have a couple of angry slants at the top.

  As one they both rushed forward -Blobby giving off a battle cry- as they ran up to the Flufflepuff in a vicious beat down that kicked up an entire cloud of smoke that several weapons and limbs could be seen flying out of. (Including several that no one within said cloud actually had.)

  When the smoke cloud finally cleared both of the little blobs were panting in exhaustion on either side of their victim.

  While the Flufflepuff remained unphased.

  Despite this still gave him a mean glare. “Well, if you’re going to bring out more friends then so will we! Snowball do the thing!”

  “What thing?!” He had to ask, really not liking what the ten year old was telling him.

  “Bum-Bum.”

  He blinked before turning to the source of the sound as on all fours the little Flufflepuff began to march in place while continuing to say, “Bum-Bum, Bum-Bum, Bum-Bum!”

  (Oh no… Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no-)

  “Uh, what’s it doing?” He couldn’t help but ask under the sheer force of foreboding filling him.

  “Bum-Bum, Bum-Bum, Bum-Bum.”

  He felt the disturbance before he saw it, the Madness around him rippling with eldritch power as the entire world seemed to vibrate and shake to the Flufflepuff’s song.

  (They’re coming…)

  “Bum-Bum, Bum-Bum, Bum-Bum.”

  “What?”

  A ball of fluff rolled out from behind Stella.

  “Bum-Bum, Bum-Bum, Bum-Bum.”

  “Wait, what?” Bill cried as a Flufflepuff began climbing out from under his hat.

  “Bum-Bum, Bum-Bum, Bum-Bum.”

  Another fluff ball popped out from his own coat.

  “The fuck?!”

  “Bum-Bum, Bum-Bum, Bum-Bum.”

  All around him the swarm descended dozens if not hundreds of Flufflepuffs appearing from seemingly nowhere.

  Snowball hopped onto its hind legs as it continued to dance in place, singing the tune that slowly echoed all around as more and more fluff was added to the pile, all of them singing the song in perfect harmony. “Bum-Bum, Bum-Bum, Bum-Bum.”

  With a cheeky grin -knowing exactly what it had done- the fluffy abomination responsible for unleashing this nightmare gave him a little salute, before dropping back all four as every Flufflepuff immediately stopped singing, leaving only an ominous silence in its wake.

  He couldn’t help but stare at the sea of soulless black eyes staring right back at him, before swallowing and yelling. “This doesn’t freak anyone out?!”

  Only Blobby’s tendril shot into the air.