Book: 4

  Chapter 20

  The Gas Face

  “Our first boss fight…” Gary muttered to his gathered kids outside a grimly scowling portal in the mountain’s depths. “Are you as excited as I am?” The soft clatter of arms and armor that rose from his little troop brought a smile to his face. “Right. Double check each other, keep it tight but play it loose… Let’s go!”

  They slipped through the darkened gap between two tremendous stone doors and everything went dark for a few long heartbeats. In a silent rush, torches and sconces scattered around the huge chamber erupted into life, flames leaping up hungrily to light the space. In the center of the room three huge figures lay, sprawled in nests of furs, hides and sticks. Smaller forms scurried here and there, goblins carrying food and drink to the enormous creatures. Numerous small burrows filled the far side of the chamber, small hollows and fissures in the stone held a surprising number of the small humanoids, scurrying around on their own mysterious business.

  “Orcs…” Gary whispered softly across the comms. “I’ve never faced them, but your uncle Dannyl says they’re tough, strong and mean, but not very smart. They have a poison resistance that rivals an ogre’s so don’t rely on toxins.”

  “We covered that in basic, dad…” Harry whispered, cutting off the parental lecture, before he could really get started. “The play is ‘Hot Wings’... Lindsey, you and I will take that high point, behind those stalagmites. Gandree, you stay with me and Lin, in case we get some foot traffic. Dad, Perry, Barry and Larry, You guys hit ‘em hard, while we provide support. Masks on, it’s gonna be a shit-show.”

  Harry’s brisk, businesslike orders brought his team in line and silenced the Fool. Soon, the support team edged along the outer walls where deep shadows flickered in the dim firelight, taking station in a limestone formation, behind a few stalagmites that offered cover and a good vantage point over the room.

  In near silence, the assault team edged closer, almost invisible in the darkness. Her visor’s enchantment did nothing for the darkness, instead faintly luminous markings appeared on their armor, when viewed through the treated glass shield.

  Lindsey watched with fascination as Harry pulled a round, apple sized object from his storage and waited for his signal. “We call this the ‘Habanjero Hotfoot?’ in the trade. Non-magical incendiary irritant device didn’t work, from a sales and marketing perspective.” He explained softly for the dwarf and the equestrian. “Pull this little cord briskly and it will silently ignite, deep inside… When you see the first puff of white smoke, you have about three seconds before it lights up and starts spewing super spicy, chili-pepper smoke, just everywhere.”

  “Nasty…” Gandree mumbled eagerly, a vicious gleam in his eyes.

  “Nasty, but non lethal, in case of misadventure... Make sure your masks are properly fitted before you chuck one of these and be careful. If you get gassed, it super sucks.” Harry warned the pair soberly. “Once the assault team hits them, we’re gonna use our ranged weapons and toys to keep the goblins from forming up. When it starts to get mixed up, we’ll push in and either join up with them, sweep, cover a withdrawal in order, or flank... Listen for my calls. Ready?”

  “Ready.” The dwarf and cavalier responded together.

  “Assault team, go on Larry’s mark.” Harry whispered across the comms, shortly before chaos erupted in the cavern.

  /

  Larry and Gary were at the head of the small knot of warriors, creeping through the dim hall, moving with care and avoiding the goblin slaves… mostly.

  Perry stepped around a boulder and scooped a goblin up, covering the little brute’s mouth as he snapped its neck in silence, just moments before it could cry out. He tucked the little corpse into a shadowy hole and re-joined his brothers and father, as they approached the designated contact point.

  Larry’s hand went up, halting them, as he began counting down, the digits of his gauntlet glowing brightly to their eyes only, as one finger after another fell.

  The instant his count hit zero, a faintly glimmering red spark flew from Barry’s hands, joined by an identical glow from the support team. Ruddy, bright red light flashed in the darkness, as a choking cloud of habanjero pepper smoke billowed into the chamber. Before the first scream could ring out, the coughing and choking began, drowning out the rush of armored boots across the floor.

  One of the huge, green behemoths rose to his feet quickly, dressed in crude armor and armed with a club and shield. His red rimmed, weepy, piggy eyes already streamed with tears and snot, as thick smoke billowed and drifted in the still air.

  Gary’s spear drove in hard and low, sticking the enormous, green-skinned, pug-nosed mass of muscle and fat in a big, meaty ham. Larry took a high angle, leading with his shield; a short, heavy axe swinging for the junction of the humanoid’s neck and shoulder.

  The monster wore a crude, rawhide, armored jerkin and chaps, bore a shield of his own and a club that looked like serious business. The chaps covering the creature’s legs weren’t fashionable and smelled rancid but they did their job. The tough, untreated hide didn’t stop the bard’s spear, just turned it and left the monster limping on an injured leg and dragging an entangled spear around, lodged in his ill-fitting armor.

  Larry’s axe of bright, honed steel bit into the orc’s hide and wood construct, shattering the shield and the arm carrying it, spilling crimson across the floor.

  Perry and Barry surged past the duo, pushing into the fray with swords flashing in the smoke, flames and screams.

  The armored orc made a desperate, grunting squeal as he lunged for Larry, swinging his club wildly. The huge monster battered at Larry’s shield in a panic as pain and fear broke its will to fight. Under that flurry of blows, Larry fell back, his shoulder bleeding where the rim of his shield met his shoulder again and again as the creature hammered at him.

  In a darkling flicker, a sabre appeared in Gary’s hand, already slashing in a bold cross-cut at the monster’s unprotected flank while it drove Larry down. Gore spilled across the stones as the creature’s legs collapsed, its spine severed and its insides jumbling around outside, in an unhealthy way.

  Blood smeared and furious, Larry staggered to his feet and joined Gary as he rushed to join Barry and Perry, whose orcs were faring poorly indeed.

  Barry’s cutlass still flashed in the billowing smoke and fitful red glow of the incendiaries, but his sword-hilted iron bar remained firmly lodged in the broken headbone of his foe, whose heels were still drumming on the cave floor. Perry’s orc lay flat on his back, a lance driven through his heart, while the lad stood over his foe, hacking and slashing goblins in the general melee the boss chamber had become.

  /

  “Orcs are down; get ready, we’re going in.” Harry called across the comms, as Gandree threw one last stubby, fletched javelin and smiled with satisfaction, as a goblin folded up around it, squealing in rage and agony, before the toxin on the dart silenced it for good.

  “I’m in. Time to mix it up?” He asked eagerly, his heavy war-shovel in hand. It was too broad, hefty and short to be a spear; but was far too sharp for gardening purposes or to be a proper shovel.

  Lindsey’s short, heavy sword and small shield came out, glittering dully in the dark. “I’m ready, Harry.”

  With two hatchets in hand, Harry nodded at his team. “All right, let’s get messy.” The youngest Ward boy murmured as they leapt from concealment and into the general fray.

  Goblins swarmed in from burrows all around, only to begin choking and coughing in the dense clouds of smoke and noxious, drifting clouds of irritating ash that filled the chamber.

  The support team bashed and slashed a bloody path through staggering, blinded gobbos to join up with the assault team and slowly begin mopping up the goblin resistance. They swept right in a smooth, unified pivot and crushed the last knot of organized goblins against the cavern wall. When the brief flurry of violence ended, only the armored Adventurers remained standing in a mess of bloody wreckage.

  Stolen content alert: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.

  “Sound off… anybody hurt?” Harry called, in the unnatural quiet that fell over the hall.

  “I… I uhh, got a little jacked up…” Larry muttered, as he sagged down onto a boulder that seemed relatively gore free. “That orc dinged up my left shoulder some. Not sure how much is broken armor or broken me.”

  “Lin, dad, you take care of Larry. Barry, Perry, you two keep watch on the entrance. Gandree, stick with me, we need to secure the far side of the room.” Harry ordered firmly. “Stay sharp; we aren’t done here yet.”

  /

  “What have you done to me, filthy goblin?” Baba-Yaga demanded quietly, pinned beneath my body, despite our vast size disparity. She turned her face away, trying to avoid my gaze, as if she were ashamed, or to hide a happy little smile… The boney knee that gently caressed my inner thigh, where I still straddled her, had a story to tell as well.

  A Gas Face can either be a smile or a smirk

  When appears, a monkey wrench to work one's clockwork!

  I whispered my stolen bar softly in her ear, as I slowly began to disentangle myself from her. The way she wriggled and whined when I withdrew from her depths, while her entwining arms drew me closer was another strong hint.

  Don't pick any card or no rabbit from my hat

  Never a magician if I ever tricked em

  Oh, shit! Another Gas Face victim

  “Chanting spells, boy?” She sighed up at me as I stood from our nest of rugs. “I was the maiden witch of the woods, set apart and eternal, untouched and untouchable… What have you done?” She sobbed, her arms wrapped around my waist, rocking back and forth on her boney bottom… which was comforting, arousing and confusing at the same time. “What am I now? Who am I now? You’ve undone me as much as you have that poor wretch on the lawn!”

  “You were the eternal, maiden witch. The virgin crone… Is this who you wish to be?” I asked softly, my teeth gently grazing her ear in our embrace. “Bittersweet goddess of witches, midwives, mothers, healing balms and poisons… How can you guide my people if you haven’t fully given yourself to us? What use is an unbloomed flower in my garden?” I purred and cooed, while her body writhed against me, excited by the vibrations of my voice and the warmth of my breath.

  “To be a goddess of my goblins, you must understand us fully. Your little trick with Ticklefoot’s essence is working out even better than I’d dared hope!” I snuggled in closer and gave her brow a kiss. “I’m going to have to wake up soon, Babs; mortals can’t sleep their lives away, no matter how pleasant the company in my dreams.”

  “Mortal no longer, boy… you drank that draught, shared it with me…” She whispered softly, sounding ashamed, excited and embarrassed all at once. “Before you… defiled me…!” A little heat and scorn poured into her voice, even though she pulled herself a little closer at the same time. “Defiled me with your mortal… thing and your filthy, goblin seed…” Shame and delight warred across her face, as she stretched up and kissed me deeply. “But now you are mine… and will be eternally.”

  “No, Babs, I won’t. Not eternally, anyway.” I gently reached down and cupped her breast in my palm, feeling the divine, life-giving magic growing and ever so slightly swelling her bosoms already. “I won’t become a demigod… my poor, lonely Babs. Instead, you will be giving birth to one. I gave you all that vital essence back, along with a lovely little freshly purified soul I had tucked in my pocket. I won’t last forever, but Ticklefoot, god of comics, jesters, poets, musicians and artists will.” I ran my claws down and over her flat, pale belly, gently scratching an abstract pattern across her skin. “He will be my final Contract and complete my life’s great working…” I sighed softly in her arms. “The last strike that breaks the shackle of curses binding my people will be our son… Yours and mine, Babs.”

  “How? Why?” She demanded weakly, lost in too much of everything, arrived too quickly and without warning. “I thought you would have to stay… with… me… That you wouldn’t leave me alone here again.”

  “I can’t give up my mortality, babe. I still have a ton of little goblins to make and my lost ones awaiting me, wherever the ether takes me next. I’ve seen what happens to mortals who linger too long and I’ve died too many times to be scared of my next trip.” I gave her another kiss and stood, summoning a robe around myself and savoring the sight of Baba-Yaga, the giantess, dread witch of the forest; sprawled out on the rugs, naked and just wrecked, smiling up at me; if a little sadly.

  “Besides, I’ll be seeing you, in my dreams. Stay alert, Babs… or some horney little goblin could come bounding out of the deep woods to defile you again. Say, tomorrow, in the summer orchards, near the meadow?”

  “I certainly will not be gathering herbs there tomorrow, around sunrise in the mortal realm, king Ghnash. You despicable, beastly creature.” She muttered angrily, as she rolled herself in a rug and closed her eyes; smiling in a way that revealed her harsh, lonely beauty. She was beautiful, in the way moonlight and shadows play across the frozen pines on the clearest, coldest nights; creating a scene stark and pure enough to sear the image into the witness’ soul.

  “You know what I’m waiting for, Babs.” I whispered as the cozy giantess drifted toward sleep. “You are the one who says when our little tryst concludes.”

  “I wanna be selfish…” She whined softly, squirming in her rug cocoon in frustration.

  “Babs, I have mortal work to do.” I said firmly.

  “Fine! Persimmon, persimmon! You can go now.” She huffed and sniffed from somewhere in her bundle, as she rolled to face the hearth? Turning her presumed back to me, I supposed. Her sudden shift from tsundere to clingy, sassy brat was too cute, but the sun was going down in the mortal world and my duties called.

  “See you tomorrow, darling.” I sang as the hut door closed behind me. The clatter of thrown objects hitting the door said she was in a yandere mood, which just made my stupid smile get even wider and dumber.

  My unnamed god still lay there on the short meadow grasses, sprawled among the tiny wildflowers, watching the endless stars spin and whirl above our heads.

  “I don’t know how you made out, but I’m feeling like the top-tom-titty!” I enthused at the deity formerly known as War and winked at him in a way that was super unsubtle and raunchy. “That mortal essence really knocked you for a loop, huh? Having trouble figuring out what’s going on?”

  The god just nodded and clambered to his feet, unfazed by my skeevy and sleazy expressions of wicked pleasure. The poor guy was just no fun at all. “Come on, bro. Let’s take a walk and try to get to know each other. You can tap into my physical senses and follow me all day. Just relax and follow the bouncing ball. I’m waking up now, so just come along for the ride.”

  “Are you sure?” He asked meekly. “That feels a little… voyeuristic.”

  “Sure is! That’s cool though; goblins are pretty… well, you’ll see.” I smiled at the god and nodded encouragingly up at him. “Don’t be scared, it’s just a day in the life of the goblin king.”

  “I suppose it could be informative…” He muttered, as I began to wake.

  “Good morning ladies…” I whispered to the dozen goblin girls in my bed, coiled around and among my outflung arms and legs. “King Ghnash had the sexiest dream… Who wants to get smushed extra-extra-rough?”

  /

  Far away, just across the veil between the worlds of dreams and waking, a very confused divine learned many, many things over the course of that evening. When the goblin king finally left his bedchamber, night had fully come and the moons sailed high in the sky above. “Hope you had as much fun as me…” He whispered to the sky; none could say whether he addressed the god still watching from behind his eyes, or the goddess stirring in his breast as their shared Contract and something even deeper bloomed between them.

  /

  Lindsey waited impatiently for Gary to cut her teammate out of his splintered shoulder-guard, so she could get to work. It took only a few seconds to remove the smashed wooden sections and reveal the damaged flesh. “Ahh, that must sting, son… hold on to something.” Gary muttered softly as he freed the lad from his broken armor, releasing a steady trickle of blood down his cracked, amber colored breastplate. The big man withdrew, allowing the team medic to do her job, finally.

  “You caught a nasty mess of splinters and are forming a very nice bruise, but everything seems intact. A good bit of that chili pepper dust and ash got in the wound… this is going to be uncomfortable.” She announced after a brief exam. She pressed a linen patch coated with healing unguent and pain relievers onto him, once she’d extracted a few fragments of his armor from under his skin. “Sorry, but you’re stuck on the back line with me, Larry.”

  “I can still fight…” He insisted weakly, sounding shaky even in his own ears. That shoulder was on fire!

  “You heard her, bro. Perry, you take the rear and Gandree, move to the front.” Harry ordered calmly, while Gary buckled the injured lad back into as much of his armor as was still serviceable. Those bodies haven’t de-spawned yet, and the passage to the second level hasn’t appeared, so there’s something still undone.”

  “Dad, bind my arm in place and strap my shield on over the missing armor, please.” Larry grumbled with an exasperated sigh. “Can’t swing an axe like this… Perry, loan me a spare rapier.” The boys followed the idiotic suggestion without hesitation, swiftly lashing Larry’s left arm to his torso, behind his round shield. In a little under two minutes, the yellow armored Ward boy had a long, slim thorn of bright steel in his right hand, warming up and familiarizing himself with the weapon’s quirks.

  “Guys, we have incoming.” Barry called over the comms. “At least two dozen gobs, one orc and a fancy looking goblin man, moving fast.”

  “Button up, double check your headgear… Larry, is your mask’s filter enchantment still working?” Harry barked, as the team bustled to form up, facing the passage they’d entered from.

  “Looks ok, I just have a lot of exposed skin.” The lad in butterscotch yellow grumbled, as he got himself into formation. “It’ll be fine.”

  Another of the apple sized firebombs sailed away in the dim cavern, clattering down in the tunnel a few yards in front of the figures moving in the dark. It flared up red and ruddy a moment later, briefly blinding the oncoming goblins, before releasing a billowing cloud of spicy smoke… A goblin at the rear, standing behind a massive, lean and muscular orc barked an indistinct phrase, pointed his staff and vanished the little bomb away in a cloud of shadow. No smoke or light escaped the small, roiling clot of darkness lingering on the floor, the Hotfoot grenade just failed to deliver.

  “Shadow mage!” Gary whispered across the comms. “Gandree, Barry, Perry, tighten up and protect the support line. Harry, take over command and keep pressure on that witch-doctor. I’ll handle the orc, then join you.”

  “Heard, pops.” Harry answered, followed by a whispered command. “Lightstones, all of them! Wide dispersal!”

  The boys all began chucking walnut sized stones around the chamber, pitching a few dozen out in a few seconds in a soft clatter that got drowned out by the angry hooting and shouts of the oncoming gobbs. “Light’em up.” Harry barked in their ears, as a silent explosion went off all across the floor. The stones illuminated, igniting a chorus of screams from the blinded gobbs and a loud curse from the witch in the back line. Rather than a simple insult or obscenity, the witch spat a whip crack of magic, Will and hate that rang off Perry’s Animus with a resounding and doleful clang.

  Handfuls of fishbone caltrops and numerous small weapons flew from the Adventurer’s line as the dazzled goblins staggered forward, howling for blood. Rocks, crude darts and javelins wobbled through the air from the greenskins, before the sides clashed in the ruins of the prior battle.

  /