I stopped next to a latex tree and puked my guts out.

  It had just suddenly hit me, and all my energy had vanished.

  “It’s called withdrawals,” Panda said. He had returned to my shoulder at some point, though I hadn’t noticed when since I’d been too busy hurtling my body across Balloonia towards the castle.

  Bee appeared in the air a moment later, and then Samantha and Camilla caught up a few seconds after her.

  Before Samantha could ask what was wrong, Camilla said, “He’s suffering from something called ‘Cracked-out Withdrawals’.”

  “I’m fine,” I told them, before spewing more vile stuff in their general direction.

  Both women jumped out of the way.

  “What the fuck, Gambit!” Samantha yelled.

  “We went to a cracked-out elf village earlier,” Bee explained.

  “Well, tell him to control himself,” Samantha said sternly.

  They waited for me to recover, which didn’t take that long since Bee brought me a ‘Let-it-all-out Acorn’ that, as the name suggested, purged my guts in record speed.

  “That’s the worst thing I’ve seen yet,” Samantha commented.

  I wiped my chin and rose back to my full height. “So, how did the mall defense go?”

  “We got everyone out before the game began,” Camilla replied.

  “Yeah, thanks for the tip…” Samantha said, eyeing the puddle around me. My Schmonic Boots had absorbed a fair bit and had turned all soggy.

  “I feel better now,” I told them. “Let’s keep going.”

  Samantha and Camilla stepped around the puddle as we continued on, and Bee followed us from the air.

  The forest outside the castle town was quite vast, but as we proceeded through it, it suddenly opened up to reveal hilly farmlands. Balloon animals shaped like cows, pigs, sheep, goats, and chickens roamed fields and farms under the supervision of strange-looking people. While the animals were not too dissimilar from the ones made by clowns at a carnival, the farmers were made up of two normal balloons, one for the head and the other for the torso, with four long balloons as the limbs. They wore balloon-spun clothes over their bodies, and their faces were drawn onto their heads with black sharpie.

  The moment they spotted us walking across their fields, they immediately ran into their houses.

  “Bet it’s surreal for them to see flesh and blood people,” Panda remarked.

  “I don’t think they’re running from us,” Bee commented.

  Sure enough, a few seconds later one of the farmers reemerged, holding a balloon blunderbuss.

  “Oh shit!” I exclaimed, ducking a hail of rubber bullets flying past. Camilla and Samantha hit the deck as well.

  Behind us came the pop of some trees and bushes that the bullets struck.

  Before he could reload, Bee swooped down and popped his head with a fingernail applied directly to the forehead.

  I rose back up from behind the stone I’d used for cover, just in time to see the soupy red mass contained inside the farmer’s head splat everywhere, most of it hitting Bee.

  “Fucking hell,” Panda said.

  I ran over to her, but she was already busy inspecting the farmer’s remains.

  “The stats aren’t very good,” she said. “Look.”

  [‘Balloon Farmer’ x ]

  Monstrosity Material

  This narrative has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. If you see it on Amazon, please report it.

  +2 to Vitality

  +1 to Strength

  +2 to Damage Reflection

  Weight: approximately eleven-and-two-quarters

  “Damage reflection seems strong though,” I replied.

  Someone inside the farmhouse screamed at the sight of the dead farmer. “Murderers!”

  “We should probably get out of here,” Bee said. “But I’m thinking the castle will have stronger materials for us.”

  “Like the king?” I asked.

  “Probably.”

  A small balloon child walked out of the house. She wore a pink dress made of a thin spiraling balloon. “Papa?” she asked, looking at the body.

  Bee instinctively lifted her index finger and the nail adorning it. I managed to pull her back before she did something unspeakable.

  “Are you out of your mind!” Panda scolded her. “It’s a child!”

  “They’re balloons,” Bee said, though she let me drag her away. “They’re not real people.”

  “Oy!!” Brock protested.

  “That’s not the point,” I told her. “You don’t kill children, end of story.”

  “What about all those beetles we killed?” she asked.

  “Uhh…”

  “Do you hear that?” Panda interrupted, helping me avoid the awkward topic.

  We both paused to listen, and sure enough, there was a weird rubbery screeching coming from the direction of the castle.

  “Those bastards sounded the alarm!” Brock exclaimed. “The fuzz is on its way!”

  Samantha and Camilla finally came over to us.

  The moment Samantha saw the child, she pulled out her ballpoint pen, but Camilla stopped her.

  “Ma’am, that is highly inappropriate,” she scolded her boss.

  “It’s easy experience,” Samantha argued, though she likely didn’t need the exp.

  “Great, everyone here is a monster…” Panda muttered.

  “Is no one going to question why that farmer had a gun in a medieval setting?” Bee asked.

  “That’s a good question,” Camilla agreed. She picked up the blunderbuss, but after failing to understand how it worked, she left it behind.

  I pointed towards the castle in the distance. “Let’s get a move on. They already sounded the alarm, so I’m sure enemies are on their way.”

  We crossed the fields and dodged more territorial farmers as we hurried towards the castle walls in the distance.

  But before we could make it there, we ran into a group of six balloon guards on the main road that snaked between the fields. They wore latex plate armor over their funny-looking bodies and were seated atop brown twisted balloons that were probably meant to be horses, but which more resembled large dogs. Each held a rubbery lance and had swords hanging from their hips. I couldn’t imagine they would do much damage, but then I recalled how the balloon creatures in Bongo’s Playroom had been quite powerful.

  I used my Appraising Eye on the frontmost guard.

  [Appraisal x ]

  Level 8 — ‘Balloonia Guard’ — Enemy

  “Stop right there, criminal fleshling!”

  Even a kingdom made of balloons needs guards to protect its territory and settle disputes. You’d think that Balloonia is whimsical and fun, on account of the child-like aesthetic they’ve got going on, but they made police brutality look like a sport here.

  When not busy torturing minorities, meaning fleshlings like you, this guard enjoys visiting the brothel and hanging out in the tavern getting shitfaced on some high-quality air. Like any period-appropriate authority figure, this guard is no better than the scum he is paid to police, but the uniform makes it A-OK.

  Also, don’t look too deep into why only the farmers have guns and these guys are stuck with lances and swords. Consistency is not the forte of this little pocket realm.

  Before they could run us down, Bee swooped through their ranks, popping three of them in an instant, and then Samantha rushed in, popping the bodies of the horses with her pen, sending their riders to the ground where Camilla and I popped their heads with a few quick stomps.

  “These guys are pretty easy to deal with,” I muttered.

  “Does anyone have a needle?” Camilla asked.

  Bee landed next to her and handed her a cactus.

  “Uh, thanks?” she replied.

  “You’re welcome,” Bee said with a smile.

  “Where the hell did you get that from?” I asked her.

  “My Fruit Basket ability,” she replied.

  “It has a lot more than just fruits in it,” Panda commented in confusion.

  Bee shrugged.

  Since the squeaking alarm was still sounding from the castle town, we continued onwards, leaving the guards behind, since their materials were only marginally better than that of the farmer.

  The castle town was surrounded by a large moat, as though it had been planted in the middle of a lake, and the gate had a portcullis over two wooden doors. The water, just like everything else, was made of bouncy plastic.

  Atop its bouncy-castle-like walls were guards armed with rocks and crossbows. The projectiles were made of rubber and latex, and when they struck the ground they just bounced off randomly to the side. Weirdly, the ‘stones’ were just balloons filled with grey sand.

  Bee flew up to the top of the wall and I leapt from the ground with SPRING_HEEL to follow her, while Samantha and Camilla popped their way through the gate.

  No sooner had Bee and I dealt with the guards than we looked into the town and saw a raised podium made of brown balloons upon which was a gallows. From its top hung a rope, which was tied around the neck of a short familiar-looking character. A large crowd of people were busy pelting him with tomato balloons that popped on impact, spreading a thick tomato paste all over him.

  Unsurprisingly, the looner was enjoying himself a lot, and his loud moaning could be heard from the top of the wall where we stood.

  “Well, we found John,” I said.